If I was to say the worst times I had as a prostitute – it was when I being paid the most, when I was kept the longest – when I was being girlfriend material.
Those were the times that destroyed my ability to have a free sexuality.
Those were the times where I had to so embedded in whatever porn role they wanted me to be, that I lost my essence.
Those were the times where I am still sickened until I want to die, that infects my nightmares still.
And those are the times I find so hard to speak about without self-hate suffocating me.
To be girlfriend material, is to know that the john does not just want to fuck you – he wants to owned you completely.
He wants to have you as his property long enough to rip into your soul.
Many johns act as the imagined boyfriend would.
Speaking about stuff outside fucking – speaking of interests, speaking of family and friends, speaking of films and TV – he will speak and speak, hoping to break the barriers a prostitute has to have to survive.
Hoping she will say something personal – say she has a family, say her real name, say some interest which is private to her.
He is not a boyfriend, it not a way of communicating or gaining intimacy. He is a john – wanting full control and power over the prostitute.
He is digging for spaces that keep her mentally safe, spaces of the limited privacy she can own – he seek them out and them uses her own words to prove she is nothing.
I had these men “discover” I loved football or films. They trashed it as they saw I had a small light in my eye.
For most johns who want girlfriend material are cruel men.
One man who saw I loved films, would take to many films – but all I had to give him a hand-job, I had to let him fist and finger me, and when he thought he could get away with I had to suck his dick.
I don’t remember the films.
I had men beat me up for loving football – saying I wasn’t a real woman. Men made me hold football to my heart, as they beat and rape it out of me – I love football all the more in revenge.
Being girlfriend material is the closest to hell that I have known.
It so hard to keep remembering that all you are is his whore – when he surrounds with the illusion of romantic love.
When he walks you in a park, when he watches TV with you, when he buys you restaurant meals, when he shows you off to his friend.
It hard to remember your role, it is easy to forget that he owns you.
But the smallest slip, and the john will make you remember. He will violently fuck back to be his whore.
Many johns want the girlfriend experience to be that she is allowed to have some intelligence – only not too much, and always on his terms.
When johns speak to you as if they see you have a brain, when they have kept for several days or even months – it is easy to slip into thinking you can have a conversation.
But to be a good whore, you must always make the man know he is superior on every level – never ever make him feel he does not understand when you can.
That can be fatal – and is sure as hell going leads to a beating and sadistic sex.
The whore who wants to survive has the intelligence to play dumb.
I have been raped for knowing about classical music, for knowing too many painters, for having an interest in history. Christ, they destroy me because I could read.
That does not fit their porn fantasy – so they fuck me until I became a cartoon whore again.
In their fantasy, the girlfriend-whore is attractive enough for him to see with, has enough brains that she does not embarrass him when with his friends and family, will do domestic stuff for him – and of course will be fucked any and every way he imagine.
But the best thing, she is never a real girlfriend – so he can throw her away any time, she has no rights to no to him, and she must pleased all the time.
If she get above her station – he has every right to fuck her back to being his whore.
She is goods, he is the consumer – there is no relationship here, only master-slave.
I hated girlfriend experience – I do not know how I survive it.
I did and I am glad – for now I can condemn it.