I have writing this blog for so long, several years – and I feel I have say too much over and over and over and over again.
I am now mentally exhausted, and like many amazing exited women have come to wonder if we just communicating with a brick wall.
Yes, most who read me would named themselves as abolitionists – but do you truly hear and honour exited women.
Sometimes, well it is getting too often, I have to question if you are willing to hear exited women on more than a swallow level.
I am hurting bad – so my anger and grief is to the fore.
Please know those of you who truly listen and hear exited women, I have nothing but respect for you.
For those who truly listen and hear our multiple voices and experiences, will always be unafraid to make exited women leaders in the abolitionist movement.
To truly listen and hear our voices, is to put yourself second and to be willing to learn.
It is to known that you do not know what it is and was to be the prostituted class.
This is done by not constantly comparing other forms of male violence to being inside porn or prostitution.
Know is not like acquaintance rape, it not like rape in marriage, it is not like incest.
Know is not like being battered by your partner, it is not like name-called, it is not like being harassed at work.
It is not like being murdered by a man you should trust, it is not like being killed just coz you are the wrong sex.
Know being inside the sex trade is like all of those – but it is more and to honest it all those coming at you all the time.
Know there is more than those individual male acts of violence – know the whole point of the sex trade is all male violence is institutional.
Know to be a prostitute is to be made nothing, to be made an object that has no connection to be human.
Know it is not just rape, just battering, just murder – that the whole structure of the sex trade is built on centuries of torture.
It is torture – that is the only language that fits our realities.
It not rape or battering of the seen and human female – it is the cold torture of a sex object who is robbed of her humanity.
In the world of the sex trade – there can no harm done to the prostituted, for it just goods being used and thrown away – no harm when no human involved.
That is the cold world exited women come from.
We survived by making ourselves dead, by falling into sick humour, by refusing to feel or know our realities.
We survived by not allowing in severe pain, by learning never to grieve, by having a callous heart.
We survived by pretending never to care.
So it can hard to speak the language you want to hear.
We speak of multiple, life-threatening and death-wanting rapes with detachment, making jokes, with a frightening coldness.
We speak of near-murder as common and very ordinary – speaking of choking as objects forced into our throats, being thrown out of moving cars, getting strangled on regular basic, being gang-raped till death seems a friend.
We speak of prostituted women and girls going missing so often, too often - till we learn not to care, learn to think rather them than me, learn to obey even in deep danger in order not to disappear.
That was our world – well that is the surface of our world.
That is the world where we survived by learning to be silenced.
Now we speak out – the least you can do is shut up and listen to us hard.