Sometimes It Is Too Much

Today I felt so tired of the constant struggle I have in my life.

The straw that broke my back was coming home to having my Incapacity Benefit rejected. I did expect to happen, but the tight hold I keep on my trauma snapped.

I am glad that I have been able to do this blog, for I know I have no choice but to write. But, I never know how much the buried pain and emotions needed to surface.

I wish I could put my past back into the box I put it in, but it is released now.

What makes so worthwhile is the wonderful response I have had from the women that choose to read my blog. I really appreciate yout thoughtful and caring responses.

I am really flattered when others feel connections with my story.

To be honest that is what reminds that doing this blog is a good thing. If women who experenced male violence, especially if they have involved in the sex trade, I am deeply honoured if they can connect with my writing.

It is a very hard and often scary road seeing the reality of living inside prostitution. It must be done.

I hope that my writing can help give other women the courage to express their realities.

I feel it is important to say that it is painful to write, but the pain does mean that I will stop.

Rather, I have when I speak my truths I remember with pain and grief.

But as men pour their poison in me, I felt nothing at that time. I spent to much of my life living on the edge of death.

Now, I feel a lot of my pain is life forcing itself into me.

All I know I cannot close down my memories, so I choose to confront them.

I also know I am no longer alone.

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5 responses to “Sometimes It Is Too Much

  1. “All I know I cannot close down my memories, so I choose to confront them.”

    I just want to :::high-five::: this method.
    When I find myself inclined to avoid a memory I usually take it as a sign to purposefully think and remember–to let the effect happen, manifest itself in some physical emotional reality. Then I force myself to do it again, randomly, when I don’t feel inclined to avoidance (which is, inadvertently, my brain telling me it’s got a hold on me) and I do such in what seems like a horrific self-exhange until that memory, that powerlessness to a lingering pain in my subconscious/conscious fades.
    It’s my way of not being beholden to a selfdeprecating cycle…and moving on.

    My 2 cents/arm-chair psychology/advice

    I’m glad to hear your wonderful blog is providing you some healing (if I read you correctly).

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  2. No Rebecca you are not alone and despite many men’s attempts at silencing women and trying to make women believe their experiences of male violence are isolated and individual cases they have not succeeded. It is only by speaking out and saying the unsayable that women will see their experiences are not isolated ones but systematic ones designed to make women believe they are responsible for men’s hatred and violence committed against them.

    I’m so sorry to hear your claim for Incapacity Benefit has been refused. The narrow rules are increasingly punitive and instead we hear lies that claimants are all liars and scroungers – not true but then lies are very effective when it is the powerful making these claims.

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  3. You are definitely not alone, Rebecca. I just hope, the more you write and confront those memories, that over time the pain will ease for you. Have a big hug! XX

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  4. Thanks everyone. I am feeling really bad at the moment – but it will fade hopefully soon.
    I will find if I still get Income Support today, which will mean my housing is stil pay for. I am very stressed by it all.
    Picaquaririse, thanks so much for your comment. I find if I try to avoid my past, that the pain in my body get so bad. I feel I have no choice but to confront my past. But because, for much of my life I was mentally, physcially and sexually tortured this is is bloody hard.

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