It is Like Being Poisoned

I went to the FCAP launch yesterday. It was very good, but I can’t write about now, for it has throw me into intense trauma.

I kind of know why it so bad. But, I am also finding it hard to cope.

To be with so women that believe the extreme abuses that prostituted women and girls have to live with. Not only believe it, but were willing to what they can about it. This was very moving.

For me it like coming home.

Unfortually, this increase my body memories to maximum.

I get huge pain in my anus. For men used that part of my body until I had blank it out.

When I try to sleep last night, I could not relax.

If I laid on my back, my anus ache with memory. If I lay on my left side I felt too vulnerable. If I lay on my right side, I was sick or went to the toilet.

Today, I am exhausted. But, I keep being sick.

I feel the poison that men choose to force into me is me stopping from going forward.

I hate those men so much. For their brief selfish act of violence, I have left with a lifetime of having to deal with the pain and fear that I may give up.

For those men, I was nothing. They had no conscience, so they will think that they nothing wrong.

So I know men should be punished for paying for sex, because they do destroy the women and girls in the sex trade.

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4 responses to “It is Like Being Poisoned

  1. I’m so sorry, Rebecca. I was thinking about you yesterday, wondering how you were getting on. I don’t know what to say – I hope you feel better soon xx

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  2. Rebecca, I too am so sorry the meeting has caused you to once again re-experience the traumas you endured during the time men committed sexual crimes against you. I do know it wasn’t the meeting itself because that was good. Rather it was those men’s crimes. I don’t know if this helps or not but the meeting showed there are women who refuse to believe men’s lies, men’s justifications and men’s excuses for why they believe it is their right to commit sexual crimes against women and girls they consider to be non-human. I just hope knowing there are women who care passionately about these issues and are prepared to stand up and speak out helps you in a small way. I know the ‘forces’ which are trying to silence you won’t succeed but this poison is very powerful. I hope you manage to get through this, but I know it is so so hard.

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  3. Thanks Debs and Jennifer.
    I am feeling extremly ill, but I know it is because it was that I felt I had finally found a space where it was taken as read that prostitution is against the woman’s or girl’s human right to safety and dignity. This really moved me to the core.
    But, being in a space where ther was women willing to fight to show the true horrors of prostituted women’s and girls’ lives. This brought back into my body the horrors I had to live with.
    It is very hard coming out of prostitution. For when you think you have a stable live, trauma trips you up.
    The men leave you with an inner sicknees, that can be terrifying

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  4. “I am feeling extremly ill, but I know it is because it was that I felt I had finally found a space where it was taken as read that prostitution is against the woman’s or girl’s human right to safety and dignity. This really moved me to the core.”

    This is such important stuff and I feel for you and every other female who has suffered at the hands of men’s entitlement.

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