I am Scared

All my life I have had very few emotions. When I do feel, I feel vulnerable, which makes me feel scared.

As I have lived too much of my life inside the porn culture, I have had to deadened myself. It is safer not to feel.

For I may scream until my head explores if I really felt the reality of how much violence and hate I was forced to live.

But, by not feeling, I have become sicker and sicker.

I live with the inabilty to breathe deeply that often. When things are really bad, I am sick each I try to breathe deep.

Breathing deeply goes straight into a grief that terrified me . I feel so weak and that I want to be rescue.

Only for too much of my life, there was no help. So, now I find very hard to place myself on the line and ask for help.

All my life, I had to make my own rules to survive the violence. I made the rules, but men just smashed them up. I was left empty.

I feel too much pain in my throat and anus. I feel and I know how men force pain into me.  I choak on the penises and objects force down my throat. I can’t rest as my anus scream with memories of forcible anal sex.

I live with aching pain on the day-to-day level. Mostly I can ignore it, but sometimes I feel like I am drowning.

But, the men that raped, tortured and mentally abused me will believe it was nothing.

I as a prostituted woman did not feel pain. I was enjoying it wasn’t I.

I as a prostituted woman deserve pain for that was all I was worth.

I live inside that hatred, I had to suppressed my anger and fear.

I see myself boosting their egos, and the sickness returns. I did smile, I did fake orgasms. I did say they were good.

I hear myself then, and I see a robot.

The sickness I feel is a coming back to life. I know I will have a future.

That was so hard to believe for most of my life. Now, I can say with vulnerabilty that I need other women to hold me in their hearts.

I don’t want much.

I want to be believed. Believed that I did live in hell. Believed that I did resist by being detached .

I want to learn to not be scared of who I am. I cannot rewrite my story, but maybe I can learn to see without so much pain and fear.

Lastly, I can say I want the caring that so many women have offer me. I don’t want to be alone any more.

7 responses to “I am Scared

  1. We all believe you, Rebecca. I wish there was more I could do to support you and help you. You are not alone, just remember that. xx


  2. I have read your blog today for the first time and I feel so angry about what you have suffered. I believe you did live in hell. Please carry on writing: we can all learn so much from your blog.


  3. Being scared is such an awakened emotion, such an aware state–you are *very much* alive Rebecca.

    I too believe in your hell. And I believe in your leave of it.


  4. You’re not alone, Rebecca. I am here!

    ****((((Big Hugs))))****

    I hear you, Rebecca! I’m so sad you suffer and that you had to go through all this ordeal. And I do hope you feel better, sister.

    I admit, sometimes, I am scared too. But I believe that we all have to strongly unite in a sisterhood so we’ll be less scared.

    I do hope you’re gonna be alright. Like Laurelin, I hold you in my heart.

    P.S.: Sorry I’ve been busy lately, BTW. It does happen sometimes, and when it does I don’t blog or respond to posts often. Anyway, I’m here now!


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