All my life I have had very few emotions. When I do feel, I feel vulnerable, which makes me feel scared.
As I have lived too much of my life inside the porn culture, I have had to deadened myself. It is safer not to feel.
For I may scream until my head explores if I really felt the reality of how much violence and hate I was forced to live.
But, by not feeling, I have become sicker and sicker.
I live with the inabilty to breathe deeply that often. When things are really bad, I am sick each I try to breathe deep.
Breathing deeply goes straight into a grief that terrified me . I feel so weak and that I want to be rescue.
Only for too much of my life, there was no help. So, now I find very hard to place myself on the line and ask for help.
All my life, I had to make my own rules to survive the violence. I made the rules, but men just smashed them up. I was left empty.
I feel too much pain in my throat and anus. I feel and I know how men force pain into me. I choak on the penises and objects force down my throat. I can’t rest as my anus scream with memories of forcible anal sex.
I live with aching pain on the day-to-day level. Mostly I can ignore it, but sometimes I feel like I am drowning.
But, the men that raped, tortured and mentally abused me will believe it was nothing.
I as a prostituted woman did not feel pain. I was enjoying it wasn’t I.
I as a prostituted woman deserve pain for that was all I was worth.
I live inside that hatred, I had to suppressed my anger and fear.
I see myself boosting their egos, and the sickness returns. I did smile, I did fake orgasms. I did say they were good.
I hear myself then, and I see a robot.
The sickness I feel is a coming back to life. I know I will have a future.
That was so hard to believe for most of my life. Now, I can say with vulnerabilty that I need other women to hold me in their hearts.
I don’t want much.
I want to be believed. Believed that I did live in hell. Believed that I did resist by being detached .
I want to learn to not be scared of who I am. I cannot rewrite my story, but maybe I can learn to see without so much pain and fear.
Lastly, I can say I want the caring that so many women have offer me. I don’t want to be alone any more.