At the moment, my mind cannot rest. There is an uneasiness going from my brain into my body.
I feel no peace, only an urge to write to give some rest.
As I come to terms with my past, every time I think I know how bad it was, I trip over emotions that show how truly awful it was.
I feel I have open a box carrying pain and grief. I want to slam it shut, but it always springs open.
I seemed to write with courage. But I want to say I terrified by what I see.
More, I am terrified by the huge grief I am feeling.
As I heard the news of yet more murdered women and girls, I feel it. All my life I have ignored or been hardened to deaths of women and girls.
I did not want to know. Somewhere a place I would not go, I know my life had too many connections with those deaths. So, I shut it out with a firmness.
Now as we wake each morning to yet more tortures and deaths, I feel so sad and desperate.
I am saddened that women and girls are killed all the time. Most of these deaths go unreported or unsolved.
I am saddened that prostituted women and girls are still being tortured and killed on a daily basis thoughout the world. They are still seen as women and girls that can be thrown away.
I an saddened that the media is only interested in women’s and girls’ deaths when they can sensationalise it. No interest in how prostituted women and girls are killed in ones all the time. But a serial killer, now that is of interest.
I am saddened by the wanting to “understand” the murderer of women. Often the murderers of prostituted women and girls are just the same as any other man who make the choice to buy sex. After all, all those men believe that they owned the prostituted woman or girl. He will believe it is his right to do as he wishes.
In my experience, this can involve torture of the body and the mind. It often involves rape. To kill a woman and girl in that environment is inevitable.
If men are allow to get with extreme violence and rape then murder will be commonplace.
I am saddened for still prostituted women and girls live in a reality where they expect violence. They live in a world where they must hardened to death and that other prostituted women and girls around them are “disappearing”.
This world is made to disappear by our media.
Instead we are living in a world of the “happy hooker”.
I can have no peace when that dangerous myth is seen as the norm.
When you speak out outside of radical feminist circles, you continually hit the barrier of the “choice” to be in the sex trade.
I would love to believe that women had autonomy in the sex trade. It would nice to think that feminists could attack the sex trade from within.
But that is not a reality.
The sex trade will always control how women speak about pornography and prostitution. It will use women to promote the “freedoms” of the sex trade.
When women claimed to have power in the sex trade, there is always men behind pulling the strings.
The concept of “feminist” porn is nice, but in my opinion a contradiction in terms.
For pornography is a sexuality of dominence and submission. It promotes the use of pain and degradation in order to give the viewer or reader an orgasm. It is a sexuality of deep emptiness.
I hope that feminist sexuality is striving to build relationships of communication and mutual respect. A sexuality that is not goal-orientated. And, I want feminist sexuality to teach the world to stop seeing women and girls as sexual objects.
The thing that almost drove me mad, where the concept that prostitution would alright if more women brought sex.
So women should allow to use other humans as objects, and that is equality.
I want women to be better than the men that use prostituted women and girls. Don’t join them in the violence.
As I write, I know I write with a huge pain in my heart.
I know women and girls that are no longer here. Always when I write I remember their hopes and passions.
This was taken away because we let men get away with hate and violence.
I have too much of the deaths of women and girls. It is a slow genocide.
So, I am proud to call myself a radical feminist. For they are only group that recognise how serious this issue is.