No More Energy

As I write today, I write with so much exhaustion. I have found my past, recognise the pain. I have reach into the grief.

Now, now I am so tired.

All I want is to know is I can be whatever I can, and be held a bit by others.

 Although I have only met most of my readers through this blog, I have felt an emotional support that you give.

I find very hard to express how much this means to me.

As I have written elsewhere, I have always felt isolated and trapped inside my past.

You by your faith in me have help me get the mental strength to break down some of my past.

I have always live as roles. I have forgotten who I am .

I have been the role of the good child. This did stop abuse. I have the role of the delinquent. This did not keep me safe.

I was the role of the silent “whore”. This did stop the men being sadistic. I was the role of the girlfriend. This never brought me near affection.

As I played roles, I lost who I was. I forget that I had a self.

Now, I am living with safety and a stable life. Now, I still have no idea who I am.

When alone and in silence, I feel like an empty cask. I have no thoughts, just a space that need noise or other people to exist.

I want to know that I have a self. That I am more than a performer who watches and listen to other to understand how to fit in.

But that is why I am exhausted. As I live and reach for some authentic self, I am alert trying to see the rules for next role.

I am scared that the role of exited prostituted woman and girl, the role of radical feminist, is just another fitting in.

I have no idea if I am real, or just wanting to be accepted.

I think this may be authentic, for I do find the restlessness and pain I feel when I try to avoid viewing my existence as a prostituted girl and woman is forcing uncomfortable truths to the surface.

These truths are things that I wish I know nothing about. I wish I could just dismiss and carry on with my life.

I don’t want to feel tortures in body memories.

I don’t want this endless grief of losing so years.

I don’t want nightmares of rapes where it is always faceless men.

I know it must be true, for I really would prefer to know nothing about my past.

I wanted to say to my readers thank-you for letting me be honest enough to show how confusing surviving incest and the sex trade is.

Every time I think I know some answers, I get more confused.

I feel you do hold me when I am so tired and so close to despair.

Today I was told I will not be paid for ten days. Without the support of you wonderful women, I may of slip over into my pit.

But I do feel you coming through my computer wire.

I send you all hugs and all my best wishes.

Thank-you for being with me on my terrifying journey

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3 responses to “No More Energy

  1. Aww, making me cry again Rebecca!

    Sending you healing, safe hugs. This is a long, painful journey. I wish I could make it shorter or easier for you. Know that I’m out here, thinking of you, and so are lots of other people who care about you- even though we’ve never met!

    I get you about the playing roles, and how hard it is to be yourself. It is so confusing, and takes time and hard work to sort out.

    The truth is so hard to admit, so painful. It forces us to deal with things we’ve locked away for years. I hope that you can give yourself some credit for doing all of this incredibly hard work! And, I hope that you can be really kind and gentle with yourself. You deserve comfort, compassion and love.

    Peace,
    buggle

    Like

  2. “I have no idea if I am real, or just wanting to be accepted.”

    We are both.
    When we play a role for others, how we play it tells us a little bit about who we really are. The role they demand we play tells us a little bit about who they really are.

    Sorting that out and finding our authentic self is physically and mentally exhausting.
    Please be kind to your self.

    Like

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