Like many survivors of male violence, I am continually told that my memories are false.
This is too convenient. Of course, it is saying shut up with a smiling face. For it always claimed that it for my own good.
Now, I know if was going to have false memories, there is no way I would or could imagine the horrors I have lived through.
I do not have that much imagination.
I do come from a background where prostitution is rarely talked about. Most women of my background ignore the sex trade completely, it is assumed to be nothing to do with their lives.
I like many women who have survive male violence have fragmented memory. This is a result of the trauma I have.
But, do remember certain events very clearly. And more important I do have many body memories of the pain I put through.
I do not choose to have this pain in my body, I fight it every day.
I have enough pride to act as if I don’t feel pain in my body. I do not want it effect how I lead my life now.
But the body does remember and will eventally force the mind to remember.
One reason I know I remember the truth, is that most of me does not want to know that I could so degraded and tortured.
I would rather be totally ignorant of male violence and hatred. I would rather not know very much about prostitution. I don’t want to know about hard-core porn. And I just want childhood sexual abuse to be outside of me.
I would really like to be ignorant that women and children are raped, tortured and murdered by men.
But I cannot ignore my past as comes back clearer and clearer into my life.
I will see who I was. I could not turn away even if I wanted to.
I know that I had to blank out the horror of the callous hatred men put into me to live . I could not know my reality.
Now, I am safe, I can remember. Now, I have the strength to believe who I was.
I can honoured the strength of will it took to build barriers around myself so I could survive. These barriers made me detached from the pain and the knowledge that the men that used saw me as a piece of dirt.
Now, I can all I was a f-k object for their sick fantasies.
Now, I am proud that I had the strength of will to not allow their hate inside me too much.
I will remember the reality.
I believe to build a better future, it is important to see the past with a clear eye.
Also, as I clear away some of the past, I have more space for happiness in the present.