I try to remain stable and strong as much as possible. But sometimes I fail.
Last night I nearly fall back into my self-destructive behaviour.
I feel deeply ashamed of myself. And I feel I have let down all my supporters.
I think I tend to be quite cut off from my fear of facing my past. I am afraid of becoming vulnerable.
Last night I went clubbing even though I was exhausted.
I should of watched football and Doctor Who.
Without admitting to myself I got depressed. I stop dancing and just watch. My mind went blank, as I had pains in my body.
So I walked home. But I didn’t.
I was accosted by a young man, asking me if I wanted sex.
Now, if I was the person I should be, I would of ignore him.
But instead my self-hate re-enter me. I said –
How much will you pay.
He offer £200, I know he was lying, but I didn’t care.
I don’t how to explain this. I just know having the crashing of memories has made me scared. Has made lose some of my self-respect.
Those are excuses.
I follow him back to his flat. I let him kiss me. I let him put his hand down my trousers. All this slease in corridors.
I turning to stone.
I would not answer questions he asked. I was not very enthusiastic.
It meant nothing. I meant nothing.
In his flat, as expected were soft-core porn pictures on the wall. It was like stepping back to my past.
Please don’t hate me for going backwards.
Then he lay on me, both still dressed.
I wanted the money up front. He said he hadn’t said he would pay. Then I push him off. He said what about £30, I was putting my coat on.
He then said £5 to give him a blow job. I left.
I was stupid to be with him.
I was very lucky he did not use violence, that all he did was laugh at me.
I was not sure if I should write this.
But I do respect my readers, and that why I must be honest.
Self-hated is a cancer. When I think I going the right direction it smashing back into the past.
I am very sorry to let you all down.
I hope this was a slip, I feel by facing it that will make me less hard on myself.