Falling Off the Wagon

I try to remain stable and strong as much as possible. But sometimes I fail.

Last night I nearly fall back into my self-destructive behaviour.

I feel deeply ashamed of myself. And I feel I have let down all my supporters.

I think I tend to be quite cut off from my fear of facing my past. I am afraid of becoming vulnerable.

Last night I went clubbing even though I was exhausted.

I should of watched football and Doctor Who.

Without admitting to myself I got depressed. I stop dancing and just watch. My mind went blank, as I had pains in my body.

So I walked home. But I didn’t.

I was accosted by a young man, asking me if I wanted sex.

Now, if I was the person I should be, I would of ignore him.

But instead my self-hate re-enter me. I said –

How much will you pay.

He offer £200, I know he was lying, but I didn’t care.

I don’t how to explain this. I just know having the crashing of memories has made me scared. Has made lose some of my self-respect.

Those are excuses.

I follow him back to his flat. I let him kiss me. I let him put his hand down my trousers. All this slease in corridors.

I turning to stone.

I would not answer questions he asked. I was not very enthusiastic.

It meant nothing. I meant nothing.

In his flat, as expected were soft-core porn pictures on the wall. It was like stepping back to my past.

Please don’t hate me for going backwards.

Then he lay on me, both still dressed.

I wanted the money up front. He said he hadn’t said he would pay. Then I push him off. He said what about £30, I was putting my coat on.

He then said £5 to give him a blow job. I left.

I was stupid to be with him.

I was very lucky he did not use violence, that all he did was laugh at me.

I was not sure if I should write this.

But I do respect my readers, and that why I must be honest.

Self-hated is a cancer. When I think I going the right direction it smashing back into the past.

I am very sorry to let you all down.

I hope this was a slip, I feel by facing it that will make me less hard on myself.

12 responses to “Falling Off the Wagon

  1. Have you given yourself credit that you walked out and protected yourself, Rebecca? That must have taken quite a bit of bravery.

    I hope you are OK today. It’s certainly not letting anybody down, not in my opinion anyway.


  2. Well, I’m angry, but more angry on your behalf than at you. I’m angry at the shit who used you. But I am also angry at you for not staying in and watching Dr Who! That is because I care about you and want you to look after yourself. Rest now. Just stop. Rest. And do not beat yourself up about this. You have not let us down. Love and hugs, xxx


  3. I have said it else where but I will repeat it here. He will have known loud and clear that you were in a vulnerable space. In addition, Rebecca remember that recovery is a journey and not so much a destination. Stuff comes, goes, waxes and wanes resurfaces, and is buried again. It is all a process and I think you are doing great.


  4. Old self-hating behaviour doesn’t just disappear overnight. As Delphyne wrote, give yourself credit for getting out of the situation. You might have fallen into an old behaviour, but you protected yourself in the end.


  5. You haven’t let anyone down in my opinion and most importantly you haven’t let yourself down. As Sparkle said the recovery process is a journey and reality is it is a very hard and difficult one. This man immediately knew you were what is often termed ‘vulnerable’ but I prefer to describe it as someone predators and here I am referring to male predators, are always on the lookout for someone they can intimidate and abuse. I don’t know if this helps but I was doing market research yesterday and I approached a young male aged about 16-17 and immediately I knew he would be an easy ‘target.’ His manner was one of insecurity and lack of confidence – so it was very easy for me to immediately go into my ‘patter’ and say is it okay if I ask him some questions. The survey was genuine and at no time did I obtain any confidential details but it wasn’t until later I realised I had ‘power over him’ and if I wanted to I could have abused my position. It was a shock discovering this but I learned something very valuable about power and how it can be used/abused.

    Rebecca as the others say, try to rest and don’t blame yourself. Women who have expereinced male sexual abuse and especially women who have experienced multiple sexual abuse frequently find it very difficult to get out of similar situations. Something suddenly happens and before they realise it they are caught in the same old trap. That is what happened to you Rebecca. As Delphyne said you protected yourself and you extricated yourself from what could have been an even worse situation. The one to blame and hold accountable is the man who propositioned you – that is where blame lies – not with you. This man had more power than you and he deliberately abused his position.

    Other than this, you are doing very well – yes there will be days when you will not want to go on living – but you have survived and you will continue your journey. Remember you are not alone – we care and we don’t judge not like majority of society.


  6. Thanks everyone. I am in a very bad place at the moment, and it is my way of reacting to depression.
    Although I am not alone, I tend to retreat in to myself when I get self-hate. I do use bad sex to harm myself.
    It is a very hard and painful journey.
    I do try to rest, but my mind is scares me so much when it is quiet. At times like that I go into crowds and noise. When I get body memories I want to run away from that, so I go out instead of taking care of my body.
    It can so hard to look after yourself, when the pain and grief is so overwhelming.
    Thanks again, I wish I could just be hugged and held for a long time. I want to cry without always going back into control mode.
    Doctor is repeating tonight, and I will watch Match of the Day.


  7. You don’t owe anybody an explanation. Please, don’t explain or justify what happened. This isn’t your fault or a let down; it isn’t something you are to blame for. You deserve rest and your circumstances don’t make that easy for you. I think Delphyne is right. You did walk away and that is to your credit. You did look after yourself after all. I’m sorry to hear you are feeling down. x Arantxa


  8. I think that we go back because we don’t believe ourselves when we talk about how damaging and painful it was, and so we go back to check.
    It’s a very weird seeing yourself in the third person sort of feeling for me.

    You cannot let us down because we have no unrealistic expectations of you.
    Your honesty is the most generous gift you can give, and I thank you for it.


  9. Rebecca, I can relate to your experience of falling back into old harmful patterns so well that it brings back specific memories.

    When you talk of self-hatred you may be dealing with internalized hatred which comes from past abusers rather than genuinely from yourself. Often what is internalized is simply too painful to remember and so it can seem like that venom comes from ourselves when it does not.

    When your boundaries have been trampled as yours were before they were fully formed and in place of healthy boundaries you learned to comply and detach, the situation you were in could in essense put your body on auto pilot.

    I’ve had that happen and part of me knew my body should take different actions and I should say different words, but I couldn’t take control. That was tougher than when I was completely detached.

    When I realized that my self-blame and self-disgust were groomed carefully by my boyfriend/rapist before the first rape, I began to see that the self-blame and self-hate were lies designed to keep me directing my anger at myself rather than where it belonged — on the overtly violent and those who circle their victims like vultures.

    Overcoming my autopilot response was a struggle and at times it felt like a hopeless one because of the negative words I’d hear in my head. Once I realized those words weren’t mine I could begin to tell them to shut the **** up.

    The first time I overruled my auto pilot and that old grooming, I think I was more shocked than the man trying to push me into sex I didn’t want.


  10. Please don’t blame yourself or feel any responsibility or guilt at all. This is why the Swedish laws against prostitution punish *men* – because they are the ones who exploit and victimize the women. The only way to stop male sexual exploitation of women is to stop the men, not to turn blind eyes to women (legalization) or punish them (what we have in the US).


  11. Rebecca, I wish that I could just hug you for about 5 hours!!!!!!!!! You deserve love, compassion and respect. Your body deserves your kindness. You haven’t let anyone down. We are here with you on this journey. You are so brave for being honest about your struggles. You did change the script- you walked out. You said no and you walked out-that is a HUGE deal!!! You are slowly changing, so make sure to take a minute and pat yourself on the back for taking better care of yourself this time.


  12. What everyone else has said–infinitely.

    You recognized the situation, you were aware of your mental state throughout (even if it was numb), you overcame strong emotion-laden habit and you left. And then to top it all off you were able to write about it the *very next day*. I mean-seriously Rebecca-kick ass! Good for you!


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