Learning to Forgive Myself

I feel that I am collapsing with the fear of knowing my past. I want to integrate my past with my present, and to make a future.

But, when I look at the violence in the eye, I want to run away. I want to have no feelings.

It is then I find it easier to blame myself, then to listen to my heart.

I know in my heart, that I have made many mistakes in my life. But I never deserve or wanted the violence that I live with.

I want to learn to forgive myself. I want to not get so much self-hate.

I think I am beginning to see that most of my self-hate come from my fear of what I know.

When I see and feel my past, I can feel that have done a good thing exposing how violent it was. But then I feel the pain and grief.

Then I want to run away. Then the old patterns of self-harm come.

I want to forgive myself for knowing that I have “let” men use me for sex as my way to attempt suicide.

I want to forgive myself for needing to go dead inside.

I want to forgive myself for avoiding looking after my body by going out when exhausted.

I want to forgive myself from closing down my anger.

I want to forgive myself running away from help.

When on Saturday, I nearly fall back into my old patterns, I terrified myself.

I was terrified how quickly I fall back into being a robot.

I was terrified how I allow the man to feel me up.

I was terrified how well I know how go back into a silent role.

I need to forgive myself for that.

I am glad I push myself away from replaying my old pattern.

I think now I am in a state of massive shock.

I want to say Abyss2Hope’s comment about my last post about being in shock when saying no to old patterns is so good.

I am shocked that I was able to get out of the flat, and keep some dignity.

I am shocked how fast self-hate can take me over.

I am shocked how hard I find to give myself credit.

But, I have some pride in me.

I am proud that I did not push Saturday night away.

I am proud that I wrote about it, instead of letting it fester in me.

I am proud I did eventually not allow my self-harming to take control.

I know and feel that others don’t blame me.

It is a long and slow road to not blame myself.

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2 responses to “Learning to Forgive Myself

  1. I’m proud of you too, Rebecca, and proud to call you my friend. You are doing so well, and if I could I would give you the biggest hug. xxx

    Like

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