I feel that I am collapsing with the fear of knowing my past. I want to integrate my past with my present, and to make a future.
But, when I look at the violence in the eye, I want to run away. I want to have no feelings.
It is then I find it easier to blame myself, then to listen to my heart.
I know in my heart, that I have made many mistakes in my life. But I never deserve or wanted the violence that I live with.
I want to learn to forgive myself. I want to not get so much self-hate.
I think I am beginning to see that most of my self-hate come from my fear of what I know.
When I see and feel my past, I can feel that have done a good thing exposing how violent it was. But then I feel the pain and grief.
Then I want to run away. Then the old patterns of self-harm come.
I want to forgive myself for knowing that I have “let” men use me for sex as my way to attempt suicide.
I want to forgive myself for needing to go dead inside.
I want to forgive myself for avoiding looking after my body by going out when exhausted.
I want to forgive myself from closing down my anger.
I want to forgive myself running away from help.
When on Saturday, I nearly fall back into my old patterns, I terrified myself.
I was terrified how quickly I fall back into being a robot.
I was terrified how I allow the man to feel me up.
I was terrified how well I know how go back into a silent role.
I need to forgive myself for that.
I am glad I push myself away from replaying my old pattern.
I think now I am in a state of massive shock.
I want to say Abyss2Hope’s comment about my last post about being in shock when saying no to old patterns is so good.
I am shocked that I was able to get out of the flat, and keep some dignity.
I am shocked how fast self-hate can take me over.
I am shocked how hard I find to give myself credit.
But, I have some pride in me.
I am proud that I did not push Saturday night away.
I am proud that I wrote about it, instead of letting it fester in me.
I am proud I did eventually not allow my self-harming to take control.
I know and feel that others don’t blame me.
It is a long and slow road to not blame myself.