I am having very bad after-effects from yesterday’s Tribunal.
I should be happy, but I am very depressed and angry.
I felt I had to lose my essence to gain the stability of having regular decent money.
What scared me was I became an actress as well. I did the role of the “victim” very well. So well it has gone into my heart today.
I feel weak, like crying, restless with emptiness. I am losing myself.
Part of me, feel that to get DLA I had to “prostitute” myself.
It felt like my past as I became a role again. A role where I had no self-respect. A role where I closed off thinking. A role where my feelings had to pushed away.
That is too close to who I was when I prostituting.
I hate the system for putting through that.
For, my survival has been because I choose to not live like that.
But, I did win. I played by their stupid rules and won.
Now I need to get myself back