After-Effects

I am having very bad after-effects from yesterday’s Tribunal.

I should be happy, but I am very depressed and angry.

I felt I had to lose my essence to gain the stability of having regular decent money.

What scared me was I became an actress as well. I did the role of the “victim” very well. So well it has gone into my heart today.

I feel weak, like crying, restless with emptiness. I am losing myself.

Part of me, feel that to get DLA I had to “prostitute” myself. 

It felt like my past as I became a role again. A role where I had no self-respect. A role where I closed off thinking. A role where my feelings had to pushed away.

That is too close to who I was when I prostituting.

I hate the system for putting through that.

For, my survival has been because I choose to not live like that.

But, I did win. I played by their stupid rules and won.

Now I need to get myself back

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One response to “After-Effects

  1. Rebecca, so sorry to hear the backlash of all that has got you down! I think I know the feeling, being seen as “other” makes everyone feel crazy and angry and alone. But I’m glad you won! You’re suffering PTSD and it’s sad you had to go overboard to prove that. I think people that haven’t gone through it find it hard to understand, but NOBODY is immune! it just takes a lot of trauma to get there and we’re all the same animal. The most important thing is you’ve bought yourself some security and some time to get over it all. i see you as a bit of a warrior fighting the good fight, so sometime you have to conquer demons – not that social security is a demon, but the feeling of being disbelieved or diminished certainly is! You’re winning the battle, even if it hurts at times! I know you’re not crazy, and I think you help so many people – I am one, so I know – to not feel so crazy themselves. hope you feel better soon xxx

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