Embedded on My Body

My body had to live with being a sex object. It is not my life now, but it is embedded in me.

My body knows the rapes I went through. My body knows each gaze that viewed me as a sex object.

I am so exhausted by having my past eating me away.

I do see the good in life. I do know love. I can know peace.

But, but the past lurks and sometimes rips out my stomach.

Now my body is remembering how much of an object I was to men. How they made me into porn.

It may of been triggered by the recent case of a “feminist” man caught abusing and filming a woman. It may of been trigger by hearing and reading some separating rape from porn. It may of been triggered that it is so rarely reported when prostituted women and girls are made into porn.

I cannot separate rape from the making of porn. That is not my experience. And it not the experiences of far too many prostituted women and girls.

Much of the huge profit of the porn industry is made on the bodies of prostituted women and girls. Yes, lots of other women and girls are used.

But prostituted women and girls are a continual flow for the porn industry, also they are easier disposable, for their safety is unimportant.

It is convenient for the porn industry to use prostituted women and girls for then they can say it not “real” violence, there is no “actual” raping.

But the violence is written on the bodies of so many prostituted women and girls.

It is embedded in mine.

From being filmed as I was gang-raped. Being told to smile more.

Yes it was rape, but the total humiliation was being made to perform as a porn-star.

I had pictures of me “performing”, sometimes when I was unconscious, passed around different men.

Many of those men did rape me, but they saw me as just something they could fuck if they felt like it.

I felt terror as I placed in porn poses before I was raped.

The terror was made larger as I felt their eyes staring straight into me. Seeing each place they were going to damage.

Each man that used me had porn embedded in his mind.

He was using me because I a prostitute, and he would choose to believe it was not rape.

Whatever my reaction, or lack of reaction, the man would place his porn fantasy of what I was.

I was a victim who was terrified, and they could enjoy that fear. Enjoy that power.

Even though I don’t remember showing fear. I do remember they wanted me to be scared. I was too dead to show fear.

Or I was loving everything they did to me. I was sex-crazed, I loved that they were sadistic.

It was just a game.

But my body had lost it’s sense of humour. It could not accept the degradation and pain it was put through.

No I cannot separate porn from rape, for as a prostitute I learnt that they were twisted together.

I find hard to understand how porn can be justify unless there is full proof that no-one is abuse or raped in the making of porn.

I believe that most mainstream porn is built on promoting rape and degradation of women and girls. That is what makes the biggest profit.

In the end, profit is more important than the safety of women and girls.

As for hard-core porn, I find hard to hear and read the constant defending of it’s existence.

I am especially sick of the concept that the “actors” are consenting. When many of the women in porn have moved from other parts of the sex trade.

Many have little choice, especially when there may be physical threats or threats of losing their job.

Most of the “extreme” porn is real violence. Women are made to be sick in real life, they are not acting. Women are raped with extreme violence. Women are forced into places where death is preferable.

This is done so men can wank themselves.

I find quite to believe that if a man chooses to view hard-porn for a long period, that he will not go on to rape.

Only he will choose to rape in places where it will not be called rape.

If he chooses to let his violent sexual fantasies out on a prostituted woman or girl, it is not rape. No it is his entitlement.

The bodies of so prostituted women and girls is polluted with the porn men have absorbed.

If prostituted women can exit, the trauma comes from that pollution of constant rapes and be made into a porn toy.


4 responses to “Embedded on My Body

  1. When a “feminist” man is caught abusing and filming a woman, there you go! It’s all over the news & the blogosphere. But what about all the so many johns who abuse prostituted women on a massive scale? Hey, that doesn’t make the news and it’s not talked about as often, how hypocritical! That guy used porn anyway, so…

    I am especially sick of the concept that the “actors” are consenting. When many of the women in porn have moved from other parts of the sex trade.

    Many have little choice, especially when there may be physical threats or threats of losing their job.

    Most of the “extreme” porn is real violence. Women are made to be sick in real life, they are not acting. Women are raped with extreme violence. Women are forced into places where death is preferable.

    Yep, Rebecca. You’re so absolutely right and you write so well! *Applause*

    I’ve always admired your work. 🙂


  2. You’re right Rebecca porn is all about male domination and control of women. Likewise rape is all about male domination, exploitation and control of all women.

    Porn teaches violent male misogynsts how to enact their so-called male privilege and male superiority on supposedly dehumanised female beings.

    There is nothing new in porn because it is all about as I said above, namely male domination, male ownership, male control and male sexual exploitation of women and girls.

    This pseudo ‘feminist’ man like those men who rape and commit sexual violence against women they know have similar views in common. Such men become very angry when stranger men rape and commit sexual violence against a woman or girl who does not know the male rapist. Yet, these self same men refuse to accept they too are rapists when they rape and commit sexual violence on women and girls who are their partners/children/work colleagues/date/friend etc.

    Witness the outrage commonly expressed when a man is accused of raping and sexually abusing girls he does not know. Yet at the same time society buries its head in the sand because we refuse to accept that most cases of child sexual abuse, male on female rape etc. are overwhelmingly committed by males who are known to the women and girls.


  3. I consider myself an artist, and part of what I do is produce erotic art… and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t at least in part shaped by the modern porn industry. Believe me, though, when I say that I assiduously avoid and denounce anything founded on humiliation, rape, or involves real women suffering for an invisible audience.

    I think erotic images can be empowering, even feminist, but there is something so deeply wrong with our world that the porn industry that has come to be is merely a legalised rape machine that harms and kills real people. I’m so sorry that you had to suffer so directly its effects. Thank you for speaking out about it.

    It’s important for people to have their illusions and their detachment broken; it’s important for them to know what they’ve done.


  4. Starting from when I was seventeen, I was in a 3 year relationship with someone who had been regularly viewing porn since he was 13. By the time he met me (when he was 20), he was watching some sick shit that I was and remain convinced are videos of women being raped, without even a thin pretense of “acting.” In the years prior to meeting him I had major family problems and partly because of that, I also worked as a webcam girl. I believe that is one of the new faces of child prostitution, where johns and pimps can use the magic of IRC to threaten fourteen year olds into being live internet strippers for abusive, cyber-stalking child rapists. The ex insisted that he can magically tell when the woman is or isn’t being raped.

    When I found this stuff on his hard drive, everything made sense, because by that time, he’d already completely turned our relationship into essentially sexual slavery for me, where I had no right to say no to him, even if I was rudely trying to sleep, even if I was contumaciously recovering from surgery when OMG He Haz A Bonar! And the internet told him whenever that happens, he’s entitled to some pretty young thing to tie up (still suffering from the nerve damage in my wrists his porn-inspired bondage antics caused!) and masturbate into whichever orifice he wants, regardless of the pain or psychological trauma it causes (oh right, there’s no consequences for women in porn, because you don’t see them, so therefore there’s no consequences ever! Yay for being a man!)

    I look at people who think they can separate porn, rape, and prostitution, and I laugh. And then I cry for the fact that I am so fucking trauamtized by the dozens of rapes I endured that I am physically incapable of trusting people (and the other two men, one whom I trusted very much, who’ve added fresh layers of agony to my body sure the hell haven’t helped).


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