I have not been able to write for a few days. This partly because my computer broke, but mainly because I have hit the deepest grief of my life.
I am grieving and feeling all the memories I thought were destroyed.
I am feeling and grieving emotions I thought had been destroyed by the male violence I had to live with.
I think and feel I coming into the life that I deserved. It is a beginning, but I think and feel something huge is happening to me.
But then again it may be my hormones, as I am getting menopause.
Grief is in every cell of my body. It is coming out as heat. It come through sweating.
I still have no tears.
Seeing me as a child, I grieve.
Grieve she forgot how to play.
Grieve that know fear so well that she moved on automatic.
Fear that she lost her virginity before she understood what that meant.
I let in that grief, I will not run away from it.
With grief, I can love who I was as a child.
She was trapped, and thought she was free.
I feel a raw and furious grief at being shown hard-core porn.
Grief that images and words taught that life was pain and often death.
Grief that those images burnt out my visual imagination.
Grief that I was so young, but could connect with dead eyes of the models.
I had no words for porn than. Now I fight it at the root with words. I say over and over what harm porn does.
I say that until porn is dead.
Grief give me the power to see how porn made lose hope of power.
Grief shows me by remembering the impact, I will fight porn. I will allow the pain in. I will allow the fury in.
And in calm written words I will not be afraid to say porn was made to destroy women’s dreams and hopes.
Grief has shown what being prostituted felt to me.
Grief shows I was harmed. Grief said this is very personal. Whilst my personal is happening all the time to women and girls in most countries.
The violence I thought I was alone with, and could never say, for it would not be believe. That violence to common behaviour by too many male punters on far too many prostituted women and girls.
I was an sex object to be used and thrown away. That is normal for prostitution.
I was experimented on by how much sexual violence my body and mind could take. That is common in prostitution.
This must be grieve, There is anger. There is pain. There is confusion.
But grief is so important,
Grieve for each moment a man decide it is his right to pour pain and hate into a prostituted woman or girl.
Grieve that she cannot or has forgotten to react. Grieve that male violence has murdered her emotions.
Grieve that all this violence is happening as you read this post, and it is ignored.
Sadness is hitting my heart making writing very hard.
I recommend highly Littoral Mermaid’s latest post “This Needs to End Now”. It shows powerfully the harms of prostitution.
I will end this post with this.
Grief is scary. It is about letting go of control.
But grief allows the soul to live. And it brings back the life that was close to destruction.