Recovering My Body

I have found going back to acupuncture is helping me to get back my emotions and my body.

But it is not easy, it is very scary.

But unlike the pills I was given it going at my pace.

This post is about faces up to my fears of having a body.

Much of my fear comes out in not living a healthy lifestyle.

Today, I said that I don’t care that much about my health, coz I still not sure how much I want to live.

I don’t want to die, but I am terrified of living in my body.

I don’t remember when I like my body.

Maybe as a small child, when I wasn’t in my mum’s or stepdad’s gaze. Then maybe I had the freedom to in my body.

Only I don’t remember.

Always I felt my body was someone else’s possession.

I learnt to hate my body.

All I knew was my body lived with violence, and always bounce back.

It shown few injuries. It numbed out pain.

I hated my body.

I hated as I saw how men saw my body.

I hated as each inch was attacked, and my body just took it.

I hated my body was prostituted.

I hated I saw blood, saw cuts, saw bruises and could not connect them to my body.

I hated I had an abortion and then carried on being raped.

I learnt to hate my body.

Now I want my body back.

But I am damned scared.

Scared of how when I try to feel I just choke. I try to breathe deep, just breathe in a relax manner – and I feel like I am drowning.

Scared how I want to scream and scream – only I go back to silence.

Scared that when I face the tortures and rapes, I am so often sick.

It is so damned hard.

I need my body back. I need to want to have more health.

When I try healthly things, it sometimes triggers that I don’t why I am not dead.

I scared of health, for I am scared of my anger.

Anger that women I knew who were as much a fighter as I was are no longer with us. Women who would given so much, would of if they were given the chance to leave the sex trade.

Anger that my body was made into a porn toy that men pour all their hate into.

Anger that their violence made my body choose not to live.

So getting my body back is my making the personal very political.

By getting back my body, I am rejecting that men owned me.

By getting back my body and allowing it to feel the pain, allowing my body to grieve. I am saying look, see, read, hear and listen I am an example of the harms of the sex trade.

Not just harmed by incest, the harm was embedded by porn and prostitution.

It is all connected in the pain, grief, anger and struggle to live.

That is why I work so hard to get my body back.


3 responses to “Recovering My Body

  1. Hi Rebecca, I hope you’re alright. 🙂

    I am saying look, see, read, hear and listen I am an example of the harms of the sex trade.

    And you’re NOT the only one. Andrea Dworkin (my favorite writer) was a survivor of the sex trade. I’ve met women in the radical feminist movement who are survivors of the sex trade. I’ve met survivors of the sex trade at conferences.

    I’ve been in touch with an organization, in a neighboring city, that helps women (who don’t wanna be in the sex trade) to exit prostitution, provides them with housing, money, etc when they need it. I’ve met some of the members of that organization at conferences. Most of the members are radical feminists and they are very pro-Swedish model abolitionists because they have worked with so many prostituted women and girls who wanted out of the sex trade, not “better working conditions”.

    All this is unfair. There are a lot more prostitutes who’d rather get out of the ‘sex’ industry (and who suffer terrible levels of PTSD) than there are others who’d rather stay.

    And women’s agency (including non-prostituting women’s) is always more or less limited under a cruel patriarchy.

    So, I often say, let’s focus on those who always have 100% choice in the matter: the JOHNS, the men who use prostitutes. These men create the demand for prostitution, i.e. the demand for the sexual subordination and degradation of women for their own selfish male pleasure.

    And because of the demand from the johns, a great number of women are hurt in the sex trade. The pimps know it: When there’s demand, you gotta create the supply. In the case of prostitution, the demand is huge! It doesn’t matter to pimps that there are a lot of women who enter prostitution with limited choices and/or are harmed within it. All the pimps (& sometimes madams) want is to make money.

    the harm was embedded by porn and prostitution.

    Keep speaking your truth, Rebecca. You are far away from being the only survivor of prostitution. I’ve read and heard so many stories similar to yours. These important stories have so much educated me on the harms of prostitution. Two years and a half ago, I was ignorant, i.e. I had no idea that all of this was happening in prostitution ’cause I had never read nor heard stories like these.

    The Coalition Against Trafficking in Women has reported many times: In countries were prostitution has been legalized, there are very few exit programs for women who want out. Therefore, a law that criminalizes johns & pimps while decriminalizing and providing exit programs to prostitutes would be the best solution.

    I scared of health, for I am scared of my anger.

    Anger that women I knew who were as much a fighter as I was are no longer with us. Women who would given so much, would of if they were given the chance to leave the sex trade.

    Exactly, Rebecca. And please don’t be scared of your anger, it is perfectly normal. 🙂

    I hope you will be recovering well, as I read and heard that it is a long process to recover from PTSD.

    (((Big Hugs)))



  2. Rebecca, that is so interesting that accupuncture is helping you get in touch with your body. I did breath work, and that did a lot, I wonder if it’s kind of the same thing- loosening up old, trapped energy and getting it flowing. I found it to be an amazing release, but also incredibly painful, as emotions and memories started flooding through me.

    I’m trying to read your posts, but sometimes they just hit too close to home. This one, I feel like I could have written a lot of it. I have a similar relationship with my body. Wow.

    I have two more days of work to get through before vacation starts, and I can “let go.” I’ve been hanging on to my denial for the past month or so, just waiting to have some space to grieve. Blah!!!!!!!! Not looking forward to feeling the feelings, but they are ready to come out.

    Hugs to you 🙂 Keep breathing, and remember that you deserve compassion. Your body deserves compassion. Take your time, don’t rush things.


  3. I felt some of these things about my body too. Obviously not to the same extent. But I was a ‘stunning’, ‘beautiful’, ‘sexy’ girl and men would follow me around and I would have constant attention, until I felt I was nothing but a body, and nothing else about me mattered. It made me hate myself.

    I think that one of the most important lessons for women is learning to take their body back from men. It is also one of the hardest lessons. I still feel like I am owned when a man makes a comment about my body, whether positive or negative. It makes me think about dieting and wearing stylish clothes etc. I hate that men can still provoke this reaction in me. I hate that they still have that power over me. I menat I am so much better than I was. I don’t starve myself, I don’t obsess about my body the way I used to but those feelings are still there.

    Anyway, sorry for going off topic. Hugs and sisterhood as always Rebecca. You are amazing.


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