Hard to Be Here

I have been unable to , to think recently. Since writing my last two posts, I have been remembering through my body.

I felt I wanted to give up writing, because it has such a huge effect on my mind and body. Then I got some emails from readers who are Survivors, whose words reminded me that my words mattered.

I know that I am coming back into body is a good thing. Only it is so painful.

I had closed down everything that men did to me. Now it is inside me.

I believe by writing about some of their poison that was put in me, I am showing how men choose to harm. I believe men that abuse girls or rape prostitutes are not much different.

All want to control women and girls. All see nothing wrong with mental and physical violence along with sexual violence. All see women and girls as objects that they can owned.

Abusive men are to blame for my sickness.

I am learning that I not to blame. Though feeling through my body, I am learning to forgive myself.

It is easy to see that as a young child, I was not blame for my stepdad’s abuse. Only as I grew, I survived by imaging that I made him do it.

I have learnt to have anger that a young teenage girl should enter the sex trade. When I was 14, I thought I was in control and that I wanted to be a prostitute.

Even with porn, which I hated, I thought I was mad because I did not look away. I am learning to forgive myself.

But I have the men in my body. These men I will never forgive.

Not from bitterness, but from a place of deep anger and a seeking of justice.

I will condemn my stepdad for slowly building up the scale of my abuse until I became a sex robot. 

I condemn my stepdad my showing me hard-core porn. Making me believe as he raped me, that I was lucky not to be murdered or tortured in a worse way.

I condemn the idea that porn is harmless fun.

But mostly I condemn men that think it ok to pay and owned women and girls for sex.

I condemn that in that ownership those men can rape, torture or murder prostituted women and girls.

I condemn this with my body that remembers each and every rape, torture and mental abuse.

I may of blank out with my mind – but it is all in my body.

Hell, it is no surpise I get so bloody sick.

To end, there are many women who read this blog and give me the strength to continue. Thanks all very much.


5 responses to “Hard to Be Here

  1. Rebecca,

    While you remind yourself — rightfully — that others want to give you strength, please remember that you also give others strength through your willingness to share your pain and your process of working through that pain.


  2. Absolutely true! Your posts always help me, even if it’s painful to read at times. I’m sure there are so many people out there who read your blog, who don’t comment, but who get so much from it.

    I’m sorry you are hurting so much. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately- and it made me think of this poem I love by Mary Oliver- do you know it?

    The Journey

    One day you finally knew
    what you had to do, and began,
    though the voices around you
    kept shouting
    their bad advice–
    though the whole house
    began to tremble
    and you felt the old tug
    at your ankles.
    “Mend my life!”
    each voice cried.
    But you didn’t stop.
    You knew what you had to do,
    though the wind pried
    with its stiff fingers
    at the very foundations,
    though their melancholy
    was terrible.
    It was already late
    enough, and a wild night,
    and the road full of fallen
    branches and stones.
    But little by little,
    as you left their voices behind,
    the stars began to burn
    through the sheets of clouds,
    and there was a new voice
    which you slowly
    recognized as your own,
    that kept you company
    as you strode deeper and deeper
    into the world,
    determined to do
    the only thing you could do–
    determined to save
    the only life you could save.


  3. Hi Rebecca, Buggle and Abyss2Hope have said everything I want to say, so ‘what they said’. Thank you for continuing to do this very courageous thing you are doing. You do give us strength, and remind us of what is at stake. love Laurelin xxx


  4. I want to say thanks too, rebecca. I erally hope you don’t stop writing because i love to read you when i can, but if you need to, do what you need to do! Whatever it takes to heal is worth it because i do believe healing is the first perogative, and you regaining your own life and emotions is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and everybody else who knows these feelings. I just read your other posts, and oddly, i’ve been getting acupuncture too and finding it really helpful even though it does bring stuff up. love to you xx


  5. Don’t ever do this for anyone but you. If we get something out of it, that’s from us for us.

    This is for you.


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