I have been unable to , to think recently. Since writing my last two posts, I have been remembering through my body.
I felt I wanted to give up writing, because it has such a huge effect on my mind and body. Then I got some emails from readers who are Survivors, whose words reminded me that my words mattered.
I know that I am coming back into body is a good thing. Only it is so painful.
I had closed down everything that men did to me. Now it is inside me.
I believe by writing about some of their poison that was put in me, I am showing how men choose to harm. I believe men that abuse girls or rape prostitutes are not much different.
All want to control women and girls. All see nothing wrong with mental and physical violence along with sexual violence. All see women and girls as objects that they can owned.
Abusive men are to blame for my sickness.
I am learning that I not to blame. Though feeling through my body, I am learning to forgive myself.
It is easy to see that as a young child, I was not blame for my stepdad’s abuse. Only as I grew, I survived by imaging that I made him do it.
I have learnt to have anger that a young teenage girl should enter the sex trade. When I was 14, I thought I was in control and that I wanted to be a prostitute.
Even with porn, which I hated, I thought I was mad because I did not look away. I am learning to forgive myself.
But I have the men in my body. These men I will never forgive.
Not from bitterness, but from a place of deep anger and a seeking of justice.
I will condemn my stepdad for slowly building up the scale of my abuse until I became a sex robot.
I condemn my stepdad my showing me hard-core porn. Making me believe as he raped me, that I was lucky not to be murdered or tortured in a worse way.
I condemn the idea that porn is harmless fun.
But mostly I condemn men that think it ok to pay and owned women and girls for sex.
I condemn that in that ownership those men can rape, torture or murder prostituted women and girls.
I condemn this with my body that remembers each and every rape, torture and mental abuse.
I may of blank out with my mind – but it is all in my body.
Hell, it is no surpise I get so bloody sick.
To end, there are many women who read this blog and give me the strength to continue. Thanks all very much.