I have always wanted to grieve my life. I have needed to grieve as I came to know that my life was not unusual, but is happening to far too many girls and women.
I need to grieve.
As my stomach aches, as I get headaches, as pain go through my vagina.
I need to grieve. I want to cry. I want to scream.
All that comes out is a deafening silence.
Hell, I have to grieve.
Coz my heart is breaking.
I grieve as I see each abuse that I had was just numbing me before worse abuse.
I see my deadness in the eyes of underage prostitutes I pass on the streets.
I can’t cope with passing girls that have forgotten how to hope. I can’t breathe as others walk pass them as if they are invisible.
I want to scream –
Look, see them. Feel their pain. See they are humans.
Only always I fall into silence.
My knowledge is too big to be spoken.
Only it breaks my heart.
I am struck dumb when hearing that porn has nothing to do with prostitution.
Nothing but they interconnected.
How it be shown to be disconnected.
Most prostituted women and girls are used as live porn. Many women and girls are move around the different aspects of the sex trade.
They are move from prostitution to filming hard-core porn. From porn to strip clubs. From street prostitution to amateur porn films or internet porn. That is just the tip of the iceberg.
But what matter the most is how men view all women and girls in the sex trade as “whores”. That is those men see these women and girls as subhuman.
I will grieve that.
I grieve as women and girls are tortured, and told that they enjoy it.
I grieve that women and girls are made to have sex until their bodies are dead with pain. They cannot name it rape, as they know they do the same over and over.
I grieve that too many women and girls are cut off from knowng there can be hope. Knowing that it is ok to be terrified.
They have no idea that there could others who care about them.
This breaks my heart.
Having left that life, it hard not feel guilt that so many women and girls are struck and trapped in the sex trade. I can never feel that I do enough.
I do what I can, but I still have a gaping wound in my heart.
I suppose by stating this is will help me to feel without fear.