Hell, I’m Sick Again

I know that I am going forward. I know I have come a hell a long way from the years I trapped in male violence.

But PTSD can be soul-destroying.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to mother myself.

But I so used to feeling nothing. I am too used to being brave.

I just become stoic.

Then I am sick. Sick from the bottom to the top of my feet.

When I lived with my mother, illness was never real. Each time pain came into my body, I was just attention seeking.

I had headaches over and over, but it never taken seriously.

I got so scared, without kind words to calm me down, I thought I had a brain tumour.

There my stoicism begun. I resigned myself to a painful death. I said nothing, knowing no-one would care.

Pain became my everyday. My body try to get help by giving out sickness.

But the pain went on and on.

As each time I was raped, my body went towards death. Each I was battered, I run away from my body.

As I got sick, I could not cope with knowing in my heart it was connected to the violence.

I could do nothing to stop the violence. I could do nothing to survive the hatred.

I could not be sick. I did not have that luxury.

To be sick, I needed safety. I needed slowness in my life.

How could I take any care of myself, when pain waited all the time.

So, now I am sick. It pisses me off, for this week I have a friend staying. She is coming in a couple of hours staying till Tuesday.

And I am sick again.

We are going to Pride, I should happy. The sun has decided to come out. I should have joy.

I don’t want to be sick.

Sometimes I bloody hate PTSD. I hate my body carries all that poison that abusers force into my body.

I deserve happiness, not always having to struggle.

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One response to “Hell, I’m Sick Again

  1. I’m sad to hear you’re being sick again, Rebecca.

    I do hope that you get better and that your friend who’s coming over comforts you.

    I deserve happiness, not always having to struggle.

    I agree with that.

    The struggling must be awfully hard. 😦

    (((Big Hugs, Rebecca)))

    xoxo

    Like

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