THIS IS TRIGGERING
Being alive and remembering the violence of prostitution is inconvenient.
I should be too mentally ill to remember. I should be too scared to speak. I should forget about speaking out.
I should be dead.
It is very inconvenient that women like me are alive.
As this week my body has remember the tortures that it had to lived with. As I know the cold hate I was suffocated by.
I can no longer be shut down by numbness. I will be shut away in fear.
Yes, the inconvenient of survival is it can bring on rage. It can connect, and see that what seemed to be an one-off experience, is common for millions of women and girls.
Now that is an inconvenient truth.
As I know in my mind and body how I made into a prostitute, I know it was commonplace practice.
There is my rage.
I rage that my childhood and young adulthood was stolen.
But more I rage as everywhere young teenage girls are seasoned into the sex trade, usually by using extreme violence.
I have remembered that I was gang-raped until I became a nothing.
But I rage as I know in my heart, by reading, by listening to others survivors, hearing on the radio and wanting to know – that those gang-rapes were and are common practice in the sex trade,
It is common in brothels in wars and for the armed forces. It is common with trafficked prostituted women. It is common in clubs as gifts to favoured “clients”. It is used to control women in brothels.
And it is a common practice to season young teenage girls to sort which would make passive prostitutes.
For only girls who already so damaged that they do not react to hours of gang-raping will be suitable.
They will obey, will be used by punters for extreme violent sex, they will not know if underpaid or not even know that they should be paid.
These girls are disposable, for there many more after them.
Many of these girls are dead, many are highly damaged. Most who have survived with strength, choose never to speak of their past.
But the few that remembered, survived and choose to speak out are highly inconvenient.
The sex trade and the men that used it believed that if the violence is extreme enough, any woman or girl who has the nerve to speak out will not be believed.
I believed that the extreme violence done to me is almost impossible for me to believe, and I know in every cell of my body that it is true.
It is hard to fathom gang-rape in a park by a gang of youth, and that is the cliche of gang-rape.
But the gang-rape without passion, without any sense that it could be wrong. Gang-rape with a queue of men paying for the privilege to fuck the goods.
Gang-rape where the goods has to boost the men’s ego, where she must have an orgasm for as many men as she can.
All gang-rapes are terrible. But most are one-off.
So, imagine this gang-rape is just seen as your job. Imagine you have no time or space to have trauma from it.
It is torture.
And torture is not meant to be remembered.
Those who speak out of the common practices of mental, physical and sexual torture of the sex trade. Those who were on the receiving end of it.
They are bloody inconvenient.
They are hard to push under the carpet, for they speak their truths coz every part of their body is wanting to say no more torture.
No more women and girls have to be sacrifice for the men wanting to fuck with hate and violence.
And no more women and girls as disposable goods for the profit of the sex trade.
Women and girls who were tortured in the sex trade who speak out are very hard to controlled and silenced.
Their rage is too strong.
They are some of the strongest women I will ever know.
They have know a fear that most people cannot even imagine.
Most have touch death several times. Most have lost women and girls in their lives too often to able to grieve them.
The world they have known thinks it will never be known by the “outside”.
That is the inconvenient of survivors of the sex trade that speak out.
They expose the sex trade.
In the end that is why the sex trade waste so time and energy trying to ridicule these survivors.
But one thing of being a survivor of that world, is that you never allow to control your mind again.
All survivors can do is speak the their truths and hope to erode the power of the sex trade.