Dedicated to My Friends

I write this to other survivors of multiple male violence, who I hold in my heart.

I write I am tired of being brave. I am tired of having express why I am who I am.

I am tired of being told who I really am.

When I read or speak with other survivors, I know my words can connect and can have a purpose that is worthwhile.

When I hear or read words of women who had live tough though male violence. When I hear or read words of women who live though mothers who abuse them.

I know I can belong.

When I read or hear words of total deadness as raped over and over. Deadness as hit over and over. When I read or hear words that I felt no pain, it did not shock me – how can I care when it just always there.

I know I can belong.

When I hear or read how remembering is terrifying. That all the pain comes into the body, that all you want is to forget. When I hear or read how remembering brings up so much sickness, you cannot know that this sickness may be healing.

I know I can belong.

I want to say that you are all marvellous women.

I want you all to fight to have pleasure.

Pleasure from wherever and whenever. Don’t be told what is right for you, go on your instinct.

I wasted too much of my life being told what I should like.

Told I should read factual books, especially left-wing and “classic” feminist books – when I love fiction. Told not to read books by men.

Told I shouldn’t enjoy sports, when I see it as my main way to escape.

Told films I love are unsound.

I have enough of being silent that I love escapism.

I can love it and still keep my brain. I can love it and still be critical.

But I think all women who have survived multiple male abuses, deserve and need escapism.

If you are focus all the time on the tortures that you had to live with, then what the hell is the point of life.

Also living life to the full and getting back pleasure is the best revenge.

I don’t care if it James Bond, heavy metal, watching rugby, or listening to Mozart. Pleasure and escapism can brings back life.

It also can bring back who we really are, and not what your abusers try to make you.

But too many people want us to remind as victims.

Not to see we can make our own choices. Not that we have minds of our own.

I say it is a distancing that we are and will be strong.

No more only hearing our words when it agrees with the stereotype that was formed before we spoke.

If our are not left-wing enough, not feminist enough. If we are too angry, too calm, too full of sick jokes, too intelligent, or not able to put into a neat box. Then our words are closed down.

But do not be shut up or shut down.

Know your truth, know your power and don’t others say their words above your life.

I honoured each and every one of you. I won’t name you, coz I believe you all deserve privacy.

I really hope you know who are.


2 responses to “Dedicated to My Friends

  1. Great piece of writing, Rebecca. 🙂

    I think all women who have survived multiple male abuses, deserve and need escapism.

    Yes, I do agree that escapism is sometimes healthy and necessary…

    … so long as nobody shuts up or shuts down (which can be unhealthy)…


  2. Once again, Rebecca, you have given language to my life, for my life, in part by pointing out that it does not need to be explained to anyone.
    Thank you. Permission giving as a practice is very important because one of the consequences of long-term, repeated abuse is a serious difficulty in trusting ourselves. The abusers have already communicated to any survivor very clearly and brutally that we are…less than human and unworthy of pleasure (unless we’re faking it for them) and incapable of being an intelligent person with likes and dislikes, interests and preferences. That is the box that we are climbing out of (and hopefully smashing to pieces in the process) and anyone, well intentioned or not, who tries to create new boxes or hold up the old needs to back off and learn to respect the humanity, personality and boundaries of each and every survivor they interact with.
    Please keep writing!!!! Your work is extremely important.
    In solidarity,


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