I feel ghastly this last few days, it just flu nothing serious.
But I do like that I can allow myself to be self-indulgent in being ill. I have spent too much of my life ignoring that I have illness.
I was told by my Mum that my illness was in my head. I should stop being so attention seeking.
As I was having headaches that were ripping me in half.
I learnt to eat down illness. It served me no purpose.
As I ignore my illnesses, I placed myself in more and more danger.
I became reckless as my body was numbed. I felt no pain, so nothing could really matter.
Any pain/illness that creep through I just despised as a sign that I was weak.
This is hard to write. I write and yell to Janis Joplin, coz anyone can sing as bad as her (I’m joking).
As I view the pain of prostitution, I view the numbness now with tears.
When I prostituted I had no space for illness, I don’t remember having flu.
Flu for me is a symbol I am safe enough to be ill.
Not being fucked whether I was in pain or not. Not having headaches that go through the fucking lasting all through the night.
The headache that no relaxation, no painkillers, no hot baths, no watching of a football match, no film, no reading, no talking to friends – nothing can get rid of it.
I lived with that headache from the first time my stepdad made me to a sex object till I somehow stopped being raped and tortured.
I carried it and ignore it. I was that headache.
Now if I have a slight headache, I gobble down painkillers – I will not go back to that place. Fortunately, as I don’t live inside male violence anymore, I only get headaches when highly stressed.
I don’t want to numb off pain again. I don’t want to let my body not care how it is fuck over.
I want to live a full life, not just acting the role of being alive. This includes allowing in pain, letting sickness to slow me down.
Then I may know that I can matter.
Please go and look at Gorgon Poisons blog, coz Allecto has an amazing video from Vancouver Rape Relief called “Flesh Mapping”. It speaks about the abolition of prostitution, and not the constant tinkering round the edges.
It very isolating wanting abolition, so it great knowing that other women are campainging for that.