The Knowing

THIS IS TRIGGERING

Last night and today, I came into a knowing of the violence done to my body by johns.

I cannot be clear, but I believe I will write what I can. Not for myself, for it is my past, but because what I remembered is common in the sex trade.

I remembered through my body. The pain and sickness in my body would not leave until I said my words.

The main pain was in my throat.

Men attack the throat, that silences prostituted women and girls.

Having to suck penis, having to swallow spunk, having fists shoved into the throat, being made to deep throat.

Speaking has no importance when you trying to work out how to breathe. I knew I was drowning.

Last night I chocked and chocked. I was so scared.

How we live in a world that allow men to strangle, chock, deep throat, put objects down the throats – how we say that is acceptable. Acceptable because it is done to prostitutes.

How can we live in a world that is so uncaring that when and if women exit the sex trade, and then get massive after-effects from the traumas of being tortured – only to be push away.

Our trauma does not count, because it is too uncomfortable for those who choose to view the sex trade as harmless.

But I know my memories are true. I know that knowing my memories are there to bring me back to myself.

As I remember, I know I have no choice but to fight for an end to prostitution.

Knowing the pain is knowing that it is an abuse of human rights.

And that is the bottom line for me.      

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10 responses to “The Knowing

  1. “Speaking has no importance when you trying to work out how to breathe.”
    This is incredibly important. Speech, in this world, is a luxury that many people cannot afford. The loud speakers of the world would have us believe that the silence of others means complicity. It does not. It is about survival.

    It is easy for those who have not been through what you have to dismiss your words, to pretend it is just about you, and not about patriarchy and abuse.

    “As I remember, I know I have no choice but to fight for an end to prostitution.

    Knowing the pain is knowing that it is an abuse of human rights.

    And that is the bottom line for me.”
    And it is the duty of feminists who have not experienced this to help. Those of us outsiders for whom speech is not a luxury, have to act against the worst abuses, the worst violence, and reject the dehumanisation and brutalisation of women by men. It involves us seeing the humanity of all women, and insisting that we do not accept violence from anyone against women, no matter what their excuse.

    I’m so sick of the victimblaming by those who do nor or will not listen, by those in positions of ease and comfort who scoff and mock.

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  2. When you do speak too, you shake the patriarchy at its very foundations which is why so many would wish you to be silenced again.

    I hope that remembering the trauma your throat experienced and speaking its truth brings healing for you and for it.

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  3. Thanks Laurelin, that is so insightful what you have written.
    I think most exited prostituted women want to “forget” their past, coz it far too painful to remember.
    I have always felt that living a life as full as you can is one of the best way to ease the trauma.

    I choose to speak out, coz I feel I have no other way. But it very painful and can quite terrifying sometimes.
    Exited prostituted women should be expected to carry all the fight against the sex trade. Their words are very vital to the fight for the human rights of all women.
    But all feminists should fighting for that.

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  4. It is easy for those who have not been through what you have to dismiss your words, to pretend it is just about you, and not about patriarchy and abuse.

    Very true Laurelin. For a lot of people this is something that will never affect them personally, so it’s easy to pontificate from their positions of privilege. They forget there are are real women, with real feelings involved.

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  5. I have no choice but to fight for an end to prostitution [….] knowing that it is an abuse of human rights.
    And that is the bottom line for me.

    Anyone who cares about women’s human rights has to be nodding in agreement with this. The physical freedom to speak is taken for granted by so many whose ability to speak is never threatened or impaired; those who have never had to try and work out how to breathe, how to stay alive.

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  6. It’s patronizing for professional women to tell prostitutes, “Sucking dicks is a job.”

    They don’t really believe it because they consider themselves too good to prostitute even if it pays twenty times what they currently make, but other women aren’t as priceless as they are; some women are worth less than others.

    With patronizing lies, too-good-to-ho women convince themselves prostituted women don’t really pick up on their condescending, false claims of honoring the venerable service of prostitution. We know this is true not just because they price their own pussies above rubies, but also because if their boyfriends and husbands used prostitutes they’d be kicked to the curb instead of praised for supporting sex workers.

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  7. Hi, Rebecca,

    I am really triggered right now myself, a long story for another day, and it’s interesting, I had a really, really bad night last night, too, maybe one of the worst I’ve had in my whole life, so I wonder at our synchronicity, but it was the kind of triggering that is dream-like, my body overcome with that strange, bizarre pain that isn’t really pain, but it still really is, that is more intense in some places than others but that really, my whole body feels, and then that sickness, like you have the flu or something worse than the flu, the lightheadedness and feverishness, and in the midst of it I wasn’t sure what was and wasn’t real, thoughts, memories, impressions, one after the other, and by the end of it all, I couldn’t remember a lot of it, and now as I am writing this at work, I can only remember little bits and pieces, and I am crying and praying nobody comes around and asks me what is wrong as though I could explain it, but I had to come here and tell you how much I love you and how grateful I am to you and how much courage you inspire in me to continue and not give up, if not for myself, for other women who will never know how many we are, that we are a tribe, a legion of women tortured and abused by men for no reason. For no reason at all. Because they can and it feels good to them.

    I love you so much.

    Heart

    but I have to tell you now because you have put yourself out there AGAIN that I love you so much, I can’t even tell you

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  8. Rebecca,
    If I may, I’d like to share a piece of writing to make the point that women are human beings of full dimension and no matter how hard the fight, if we do survive we are speaking against what the enforced invisibility that allows so much of male violence against women and girls to go on especially those in prostitution…the most innvisible.
    For our collective struggle:

    I am neither enemy nor saviour.
    I am not anyone’s bitch to be kicked or cripple to be carried.
    I am no one’s mother or wet nurse or servant.
    I am a woman whose belly can stretch to be a sail on the sea directed by the winds of self-determination.
    I am a sister to every creature.
    I am both ancestor and child in long lineage of human strife and triumph.
    I am the nourishing breast and the instinct to suckle.
    I am the scent of flowers at bloom and the stench of their decay.
    I am a worrior, a soothing song, a laugh, a kiss and a scream.
    I am the entrails unseen and the bright eyes looking back – seeing into.
    I am marrow, organ, tissue, idea, decision, action.
    I am flight and stillness.
    I am both the hand and the drum where rhythm is born.
    I am its call, its vibration, its soul that beats out I a, I am, I am!

    Gertrude

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  9. Rebecca, your blog is a beacon of truth and light. Your bravery is staggering. I have memories that I have trouble dealing with. I will sometimes have the strength and courage, but other times I do not. Reading your words help me to deal with my own painful memories.

    “I think most exited prostituted women want to “forget” their past, coz it far too painful to remember.” I think you make a very poignant statement there. I think a lot of women are in denial about the truth of what happens to us is that actually acknowledging it means that we have to do something about it. It is much easier to deny it and push it down. What you are doing is so very brave and I thank you so very much for the work you do.

    In solidarity,
    Evo

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  10. Hi Rebecca, I so appreciate your writings. Alot. There’s something so true about this entry so I just wanted to thank you for this as it feels like a confirmation for me. I have been piecing together throat trauma for about a year, realizing I had it. It just occured to me what the problem may be a year ago. Your writing this is a confirmation, it just resounds. I used to just *love* to sing as a very small child but then I went through abuse and I couldn’t sing as good after that so I didn’t sing as much as an older child. I remember wanting to sing but feeling like I couldn’t sommehow, and even myself as a small kid wondering “what happened?” It felt lke a physical change in ability. This singer once told me the goal is to get every person back to that big baby wail screaming from the gut out of the body. I believe my weird breathe/thraot issue stems probably from that — I have always had horrible breath capacity and easily my breath is taken away , the feeling of no air and drowning has always felt common to me and makes me panicky (well I guess that’s obvious). People have joked to me I don’t even breathe various times. I got into conscious breathing and singing as a way to try to unblock my throat. I feel like it’s working a bit lately. This is just heebie jeebie to some people but personally I believe my throat chakra is blocked and that many peoples’ are, maybe especially if violated sexually. I think attacking the throat is practically like half killing, you are after all blocking a person’s capacity to breathe. All in all, thank you for writing this. (And your other writings.) I think it will resound with so many people even if they don’t express this.

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