SOME OF THIS IS TRIGGERING
I have put on my favourite CD on classic jazz sax, mainly be-bop, and will try and write. It is because I am seeing, feeling and knowing very clearly how my body and mind were close to destruction.
What is strange, the more I know the degradation, the more the pain re-enters my body – the more I want to live a full life.
I will not give up.
I will not give up believing that in the name of prostitution that there is widespread torture of women and girls. I will not stop believing there is no need for prostitution.
After all, there is nothing wrong with believing that there should be a world where sex is not brought, where women are not just goods that must be fuckable.
What is so strange that sex should being about seeing women as a full humans, not just holes and hands.
I suppose prostitution has made me old-fashioned about sexuality. I kind of want respect, to be seen as a full person. I want that if either of us say no, that it is not ignored.
I want not to be a fuck object. There is nothing liberating about that.
I have remembering so clearly for a few nights and days.
I saw Women’s Space about gonzo porn. It does not shock me – that in itself saddened me.
I am not shocked, coz it is so familiar to me.
Gonzo porn has always been in the private sphere of prostitution, it was just labelled rough sex, orgies, violent sex on whores.
When it is kept as indoors prostitution, there was a blind eye turn onto it.
Whores choose to be there, so it can’t be rape, it can’t be real violence.
I have always love history. I see “gonzo” sex with prostituted women and girls going right back to when we first have records of prostituted women.
Being violent to a classed named whores has always been acceptable. It is a way for men to let off steam.
We romanticise the past, and like to imagined that those women were not degraded or felt pain.
I don’t believe Roman prostituted women were all empowered. I don’t believe the women that de Sade degraded found it enlightening. I doubt that Victorian prostitutes saw their work as a career.
Men have always fucked prostituted women close to death, always wanted prostituted women to not have humanity.
They will not see them as humans – for that means they may be raping and torturing.
Most men that use violent sex on prostituted women and girls see themselves as normal good men. By torturing a class named whore, these men can make themselves believe nothing much happened.
Let me say as someone who know violent sex through every cell in my body, I know it was torture.
I know as I lost much of speech since Sunday, I know my throat was tortured. Tortured by being deep-throated, fashionable coz of that stupid film when I starting in prostitution.
For those who say porn is not copied, I can’t remember how many men said/lied that they were looking for me to orgasm, quoting stupid stuff from that film.
My throat was nearly destroyed by men putting fists down it.
This I have remembered, as I know I was sick like gonzo porn, but more I would lose consciousness.
This was happening to me, I know it was happening to my friends – and I know it is happening to prostituted women and girls as I write.
Prostituted women and girls have always lived with double penetration, with ass-to-mouth sex, with oral sex till they are sick.
Prostitution will labelled that as specialityor extras. The sex trade has always catered for whatever sick fantasy a man with the money has.
Many of the women and girls that provide their bodies for violent sex are seen as throwaways. So any harm done to their minds and bodies is unimportant.
Well, I have had enough that prostituted women and girls are just a dumping ground for men to spew out their violence.
Gonzo porn has shocked many coz it so public, but just remembered that in indoors prostitution that type of behaviour is catered for, and just keep hidden from the public gaze.
Sorry this post is so rambling, I am in the middle of a lot of shit.