I Have Not Gone


I have put on my favourite CD on classic jazz sax, mainly be-bop, and will try and write. It is because I am seeing, feeling and knowing very clearly how my body and mind were close to destruction.

What is strange, the more I know the degradation, the more the pain re-enters my body – the more I want to live a full life.

I will not give up.

I will not give up believing that in the name of prostitution that there is widespread torture of women and girls. I will not stop believing there is no need for prostitution.

After all, there is nothing wrong with believing that there should be a world where sex is not brought, where women are not just goods that must be fuckable.

What is so strange that sex should being about seeing women as a full humans, not just holes and hands.

I suppose prostitution has made me old-fashioned about sexuality. I kind of want respect, to be seen as a full person. I want that if either of us say no, that it is not ignored.

I want not to be a fuck object. There is nothing liberating about that.

I have remembering so clearly for a few nights and days.

I saw Women’s Space about gonzo porn. It does not shock me – that in itself saddened me.

I am not shocked, coz it is so familiar to me.

Gonzo porn has always been in the private sphere of prostitution, it was just labelled rough sex, orgies, violent sex on whores.

When it is kept as indoors prostitution, there was a blind eye turn onto it.

Whores choose to be there, so it can’t be rape, it can’t be real violence.

I have always love history. I see “gonzo” sex with prostituted women and girls going right back to when we first have records of prostituted women.

Being violent to a classed named whores has always been acceptable. It is a way for men to let off steam.

We romanticise the past, and like to imagined that those women were not degraded or felt pain.

I don’t believe Roman prostituted women were all empowered. I don’t believe the women that de Sade degraded found it enlightening. I doubt that Victorian prostitutes saw their work as a career.

Men have always fucked prostituted women close to death, always wanted prostituted women to not have humanity.

They will not see them as humans – for that means they may be raping and torturing.

Most men that use violent sex on prostituted women and girls see themselves as normal good men. By torturing a class named whore, these men can make themselves believe nothing much happened.

Let me say as someone who know violent sex through every cell in my body, I know it was torture. 

I know as I lost much of speech since Sunday, I know my throat was tortured. Tortured by being deep-throated, fashionable coz of that stupid film when I starting in prostitution.

For those who say porn is not copied, I can’t remember how many men said/lied that they were looking for me to orgasm, quoting stupid stuff from that film.

My throat was nearly destroyed by men putting fists down it.

This I have remembered, as I know I was sick like gonzo porn, but more I would lose consciousness.

This was happening to me, I know it was happening to my friends – and I know it is happening to prostituted women and girls as I write.

Prostituted women and girls have always lived with double penetration, with ass-to-mouth sex, with oral sex till they are sick.

Prostitution will labelled that as specialityor extras. The sex trade has always catered for whatever sick fantasy a man with the money has.

Many of the women and girls that provide their bodies for violent sex are seen as throwaways. So any harm done to their minds and bodies is unimportant.

Well, I have had enough that prostituted women and girls are just a dumping ground for men to spew out their violence.

Gonzo porn has shocked many coz it so public, but just remembered that in indoors prostitution that type of behaviour is catered for, and just keep hidden from the public gaze.

Sorry this post is so rambling, I am in the middle of a lot of shit.


8 responses to “I Have Not Gone

  1. You don’t have to apologize for rambling, Rebecca.

    My throat was nearly destroyed by men putting fists down it.

    I am in the middle of a lot of shit.

    Oh, Rebecca, 😦 😦 😦 I hope you’re gonna be alright. I’m so sad this happened to you. *Big Hugs*

    I am so glad you’re not giving up. You are so incredibly strong and you know it.

    Well, I have had enough that prostituted women and girls are just a dumping ground for men to spew out their violence.

    Gonzo porn has shocked many coz it so public, but just remembered that in indoors prostitution that type of behaviour is catered for, and just keep hidden from the public gaze.

    Exactly! I’m fed up with *them* torturing women and wanking to the degradation of female human beings. It makes me feel sick and terribly sad…


  2. No Rebecca you aren’t being ‘old fashioned’ for wanting or rather demanding to be seen and treated as a human being rather than as men’s masturbatory object. But many men and women too, believe that female sexuality is solely for the use/abuse of men and furthermore certain women and girls must always be made available for men to rape and abuse. You want what I and many others want – that women’s bodies and sexualities be seen and respected as belonging to women NOT MEN. Furthermore, I want men as a group to accept they must be held accountable for their sexual violence against women – but that is still far from happening.

    You’re right Rebecca ‘gonzo porn’ has always been around only it wasn’t called gonzo porn then. It was just plain male sexual violence against women taken to its extreme. History says it all and yes I mean HIS TORY because it is men’s accounts of how they have raped and sexually tortured women for centuries now. But, before advent of technology men’s crimes against women were carefully hidden from view. Now, it is called ‘gonzo porn’ and it is all just ‘fantasy.’

    We need look no further than how men treated female black slaves because this was ‘gonzo porn.’ Or how white men systematically raped and sexually tortured indigenous women in the Americas, Australia and New Zealand for example. All were ‘gonzo porn.’ So no reading about ‘gonzo porn’ did not horrify me in that way because I’ve read it all before. But doesn’t mean I accept it as ‘natural or just fantasy.’


  3. I don’t always feel like I can say what I feel in response to your posts here, because it is all so personal – it is personal for me, my reaction to your writing, and that’s a function of how open you are, how personal it is on your end. Still, sometimes I just want to say I’m reading, and thank you.


  4. It is not old-fashioned to want to be treated with respect. It is human. Women are human and we should be treated like human beings.

    You make the torture that you went through in prostitution so very clear in your writing, always. It is so difficult to imagine how horrific it is, how much pain and illness you have to deal with now, because of what men did to you.

    Thank you for struggling through this and sharing your insights with us.


  5. Thanks everyone. It really does help having a community round me.

    Maggie, I think real strength comes from allowing myself to be vulnerable.

    Polly, thanks for your support.

    Jennifer – I agree with all you have said.
    But I wanted to focus on prostituted women and girls coz they are pushed away from having been abused sadistically, for they are always shown to “enjoy” it. Most records of prostitution are written from that point of view.
    I do think that must be research into the raping and torturing of slave and indigenous women and girls by Europeans.
    But I don’t want the raping and torturing of prostituted women and girls always to be pushed away coz they are “messy” victims.

    Allecto – thanks for a very caring comment, it means so much to me. I am in a great deal of pain, it comes up even when I think I’m ok.
    The sickness I am going through is all the poison those bastards forced into me.

    Joan – I am so moved that you read my blog, I do know it is very personal to you. All I can say is that I deeply honoured that we can have some connection. I do respect you a lot.


  6. Hi Rebecca,

    I like reading your “ramblings” 🙂 I get a lot of strength from you, even though I don’t post much. I think you are amazing, doing all this hard work. And having to deal with other people’s judgments, when you are fighting for your life.

    Peace 🙂


  7. Rebecca how do I say this – I totally agree with you that prostituted women and girls are always invisibilised because men’s myths say they ‘enjoy’ it. I was trying somewhat clumsily to say that white men’s rape and sexual violence perpetrated on non-white women occurred and still happens because men’s mindset is basically the same as when they justify committing sexual violence on prostituted women and girls. White men committed these acts because they saw non-white women and girls as being ‘prostitutes’ who have no humanity but instead would ‘enjoy’ being sexually tortured.

    I know I view it from a different perspective to you but like you, I don’t want prostituted women to be ignored because they are considered dehumanised. What I was trying to say is that when men commit sexual violence against women they justify their actions because the female ‘victims’ are considered to be deserving since women are basically in these men’s opinion all prostitutes. I don’t mean to set up a false distinction between prostituted women and non-prostituted women because I am not.


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