I cannot know why I survived, but I know that all my live I have a warrior spirit in me.
She will not take no shit from anyone. She will play a role, but inside will be resisting.
A warrior spirit will remember each hurt, each humiliation and each lie and say her truth when she is safe.
As a child, I felt I did not belong. As my mother ignore me, as my stepdad formed me into his sex toy, as porn seethes into my brain. I know I did belong.
I tried to imagine I was in the wrong family. I thought maybe I a ghost.
But I know I had to resist.
I resisted by refusing to see the porn. I closed down my visual imagination, I would not dream. I saw porn but would let in.
I thought that would work, but my warrior spirit was never strong enough. Porn poisons every cell in my body. Porn made think I was not human, I was just a fuck object. I know there would be pain, porn made me decide not to care.
My warrior spirit was terrified seeing porn, I felt her deserting me. I was alone and had no idea how to resist.
I did know then, I was never deserted, just my warrior spirit was afraid of being afraid – so she was hiding in shame that she could not protect me.
But she stored the memory.
My warrior spirit did not know how to confront my mother.
When each time my words of resistance were laugh at, were seen as signs of madness, were talked over, were translated into the opposite of what I was saying.
Resistance was futile. Children should not answer their mothers back.
I learnt to eat down my warrior spirit, she made me look mental. I did not want her.
I wanted to be good then maybe my mother would see me and love me.
Neither worked, but I tried so hard to have a mother in my life.
As for my stepdad, my warrior spirit tried everything to resist.
She tried saying no or fighting to make him stop. He just laugh, and finger-fucked me anyway.
She tried being detached and not feeling him in my body. But always some pain, some fear, some body fluids hitting the bed betrayed me.
She tried stopping the body getting orgasms, and not getting the despair when it did.
She was trying so hard to save me, nothing worked.
I could sometimes feel my warrior spirit crying in frustration and confusion.
This was a battle she could not win – all she could was to remember.
My warrior spirit was there when I was prostituted, she took my memories so I could survive. She made me into a zombie, so I would not know the torturing, the degradation, the hate, the amount of times I repeatedly raped. She took that, leaving me to survive as best I could.
She remembered it all, so I would forget and live.
It was the warrior spirit that made me have a tiny spark that I was something more than a fuck-object, that there was a life where I could find I was human.
I could not believed that, but my warrior spirit made damned sure I stayed alive, when death was so welcoming.
Now my warrior spirit is still here. She is calmer, less alert and can switch off sometimes.
She is deep in my grief. My grief that comes as she shows the reality of my past. Grief as I see how trapped I was. Grief as I know how hard I tried to resist, never knowing how little power I had.
She is there as I get body memories. Each pain is scars from the war I fought just so I survive and know I was a human.
She is there as I say my truth. I change the words, but the truth of my past always reminds the same. Each time I see my past, I see more and more why I had to forget.
I see my past, and I proud that my warrior spirit protected me from the truth. Making me now a witness to my own life, for now I come from a place of safety and security.
My warrior spirit won’t take no shit.
No shit that I was just “unlucky”, when the stronger I get the more I know my experiences are unique and all too common at the same time.
No shit that I was a victim, when all my live I have resisted as much as I could. But resistance will not worked when the abusers decide nothing will stop them.
No shit that I must of “enjoy” it really, else why didn’t I just walk away. My warrior spirit can’t even be bother with such a stupid mindset. All she will say is just think of the power imbalance for two seconds.
No shit that I some kind of “hero” coz I say about my past, when I only say coz it is the truth, and coz I want my experiences not be happening to other women and girls.
There is so much more shit my warriors bats away from me, so I can get on with my future and finding pleasure in life.
I so glad she is not hiding anymore.