Talk About a Struggle

Late last night, I finally cried about my Dad. As I was crying my tears changed to crying how much prostitution stole my emotions from me. How I am slowly learning to feel without thinking I am weak or mentally ill.

So I cried for Dad, I also felt joy that I could grieve without shutting myself down.

I had grown so used to being a robot.

I never cried when my grandmother died, even through she was the woman I was closest to.

I never cried when my best friend took an overdose. I just refuse to believe, and run back into prostitution as my way of not thinking.

I never cried when I had an abortion, even those I wanted to feel something.

No, I didn’t know what grief was.

My emotions were dead. Yes I was walking and breathing, but it was just another act.

How could I feel, when I was living in a world where torture was my norm.

I lived by not acknowledging I was in great pain, that it was making me sick.

I lived by saying I could leave any time, always knowing I was mentally trapped.

I lived by not allowing feeling for others, and by hating myself.

I lived by never seeing my own reality.

I lived by being dead.

So, I lived and I managed to exit. Now, I am living with survival.

Now, I feel all the pain I pushed away. I know the cold hate that made johns torture me.

Survival feels like I am drowning.

I know it is worth it, this living business. But Christ, sometimes being numb seems so inviting.

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2 responses to “Talk About a Struggle

  1. Deadening one’s emotions often does feel so much better than facing the pain when a loved one dies. I’ve experienced it and it is hard – very hard. You’re not weak and neither are you mentally ill. These words are often tossed at women by those who refuse to see reality but instead prefer simple answers. Being strong is when one faces the harsh realities of life but all too often it is misinterpreted as ‘weakness.’ I’m glad you were able to cry about your Dad’s death because you were able to express and release your grief. No, grief won’t suddenly ‘up and disappear’ but expressing grief does help.

    Numbness is the worst part because being numb means we are no longer ‘human’ but instead have become what the prostitutors and Johns want – a dehumanised doll or robot who can be controlled and abused at will. But we can’t remain numb because eventually we do re-awaken and the re-awakening is always very, very painful. Numbness is a survival strategy but at the same time it deadens us.

    Like

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