This morning I had my cervical smear done. I find it very hard, coz all my body memories came into my vagina and surrounding area, and after I had so much pain.
When the smear is being done, I go very detached, and just breathe deeply.
I don’t want to know what is going on. I don’t want to know the fear I feel when any object goes in my vagina or near it.
I don’t want to know coz I know what it reminds me of, and if I think that I may scream or cry.
The pain come after, and goes on and on. Making me dizzy, making me cry, making want to give up, making me angry, making me know what is my reality.
The pain is coz my vagina was a war-zone for so long. It had no idea that it could and would have peace.
My vagina grow used to being invaded, it give up defending itself.
Invaded by mouths, invaded by hands, invaded by teeth, invaded by didoes, invaded by wood, invaded by toys and invaded by endless penises.
My vagina lost any concept of hope. My vagina fall silent. My vagina numbed itself to all pain.
My vagina pretended that nothing could matter, for it was nothing after all.
My vagina played dead.
But today it was alive.
Alive with pain. Alive with grief. Alive with rage. Christ, my vagina is burning up knowing it somehow survive the war against it’s very existence.
I won’t have a smear very often, coz it so damned exhausting having one.
But I damned proud that my vagina can say it’s truth now.