I think my menopause is kicking in, and making me unable to cope well.
Since I can remember I have listen to Radio 4, and “Women’s Hour” has been a friend for years. Like a mother I had to imagined, I learnt what menopause was.
It was dripped into my consciousness.
I kept close to me Radio 4 when my life was full of terror. When I wanted to give up hope, I waited for stories to be read to me. When I thought I had no mind left, I listen to plays.
But “Women’s Hour” reminded I was a person. It give me a cosy world that I wanted to belong to.
Now as I am dizzy all the time, as my periods have disappeared, as my exhausted won’t go away, as I feel so damned low – I remember the endless chats on menopause on “Women’s Hour”.
I think with some relief it may be my hormones. I am having a blood test tomorrow.
But then, I know it not just my hormones.
I know that PTSD and menopause are making me know the reality of what it was to be sexually tortured and to lose all sense of being any other than an object.
It just give me a clear eye to know that the men choose to attempt to destroy my essence.
Even it is hormones, what I know it is true and it is an atrocity.