I Lay Down and Wept

I have come to a place of weeping.

Tears may not come out of my eyes, but my whole body and mind is weeping.

It weeps to say to my prostituted self – You were human. You were not worthless.

I say as my body shakes with fear and grief – I love you.

I wept as I know what I survived, I wept as I name it.

Rape, sexual torture, brainwashing, atrocity, the men’s choice, sexual slavery, made into an object and destruction of human rights.

Each word I discover in detachment, alienated from my prostituted self.

Now, as I wept as each of these words is part of what I made, as each word was used to make me lose my essence.

God, my god, I weep so much at how much was stolen from me.

I had being a teenager stolen from me.

I had no angst, as I was dead after the constant fucking and battering.

Angst is a luxury that I so wanted.

I had no discovery of my sexuality, as it was stolen by stepdad’s mouth and hands going into my cunt.

How can you know sexuality when all sex is violence.

I had sleep stolen from me, as I could let myself be that relaxed.

I had joy stolen, it was too dangerous to be happy when hate and violence was always wanting to destroy all that.

I weep as I see my prostituted self. I cannot rescue her – only know somehow I got to escape. But I weep as I know the years where every exits was blocked.

And I weep as trauma shows me my reality.

A reality so vicious, so full of hate, so surrounded by lies that my mind refuse to know it for twenty years

I see my reality and allow my anger to grow.

Anger that I now know my experiences is how the sex trade controls prostituted women and girls.

That being punished by gang-rapes, being moved round to more violent johns and being brainwash to believe it all my fault – is just the way the sex trade controls.

I have anger that violence in the sex trade is ignored and made normal.

This is done by re-inventing the violence as sexual choices or forms of leisure. It is crafted round saying prostituted women choose their lifestyle and so must be happy.

Round that it is claimed it cannot be violent, for the johns only do what the prostituted woman wants, for he respect her autonomy.

Bullshit, for the vast majority of johns they are buying a prostituted woman or girl for he wants to own her.

He wants to know that she cannot and will not say no, for that would be a breach of contact. He can use as violence as he wants for she is his property.

I just got out alive by the skin of my teeth.

So I am damned angry.

I weep with fury.

To end, I weep that at last I have found people who believe and know how horrific the sex trade is.

I weep that others can see abolition as a reality.

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One response to “I Lay Down and Wept

  1. Thanks for all of your honesty and effort in keeping up with your blog! I am a CSA survivor and have spent the last 3 days crying – sadness for the loss of childhood and my little girl’s sadness…Keep going – you are an inspiration!

    Like

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