Silences and Gaps

I want to write a very difficult area for me, to write how the brain protects by closing out what happened to me causing  trauma.

I never remember my life in a clear manner, but I have what I named as a knowing. That is when I know it is  inside my body as sickness, as restlessness, as a shadow that will not leave me alone.

I have no proof of so much of my life, but I know my own hell.

I survived by not acknowledging my own abuse, my own torture.

But I just did what is natural. Humans have always lived with torture, they have always survive by refusing to know what is happening.

Women and girls have always been raped, been sexually tortured, been battered, and been murdered for being the wrong gender. Women and girls have always been brainwashed to believe that it must their fault, even that they really enjoy all this violence.

Prostituted women and girls have always been used for men to place all their hate, contempt and anger at all females.

Hell, being prostituted means learning to accept the unacceptable.

Accept the pouring of violent porn fantasies being fucked into living bodies. Accept that you are not a person, but a fuck object for any men with cash. Accept that you could die, get STDs or have long-term mental health issues.

But you are also told it is just a job, that you should be enjoying it.

No wonder the vast majority of prostituted women and girls blocked out the reality of their existence.

But, people who are determined to undermine that prostitution is based on violence, say constantly they want concrete proof from exited prostituted women of that violence.

Say why it happened, how old were you, how many men did violence, in what places did it happened – and why didn’t you leave. 

Well, there is no concrete proof for me and the majority of exited prostituted women.

You stop counting how many men rape or use sexual torture, when it becomes an endless flow. Hell, I cannot remember their faces, so why would I know how many. I lose count when I can’t count how many in the gang-rapes. I lose count when I lost consciousness coz of their violence.

All I would say one violent john is one too many.

Places get confused. I just know I got used to being fucked behind pubs, used to sucking dicks with one eye knowing I was being watched. I was fucked in rooms, bedrooms, bathrooms, flats, hotels rooms, and stupidly my own room. I fucked at posh parties. I was fucked in graveyards.

I don’t know that places matter that much, each place poisoned my heart.

All I know my memory is full of gaps and silences.

Yes I see places, yes I see getting fucked over and over. But I had no language for it.

Many times I was not paid, so I thought it cannot be prostitution.

Only my body and mind knows that I took drinks, offer of a bed, food in exchange for sex. That I made no personal contact with those men, and hated if I saw them again in different situations.

My body and mind knows that I became a robot for them, and did only sex. I was confused if they wanted other stuff.

For me that was prostitution.

But my mind for many years refused to know when it just blatant prostitution.

It refuse to know money was being exchanged, especially between “managers” and johns. It refuse to know how I was placed into a flat as men queue up to sexually torture me or just fuck me.

But how would any woman or girl survive if she truly know she is just goods for men to fuck.

Of course, it not made real.

Of course, most prostituted women and girls are invisible. Of course, they will lie about their lives, for they cannot face it themselves.

But, when recovering the reality crashes into the body, and the mind slowly follows.

Recovering means knowing the cold viciousness of the sexual tortures do to prostituted women and girls. Knowing that is just seen as a business, so seen as unimportant.

Recovering is letting in pain, letting in grief, allowing there is huge confusion and finding there is anger.

Recovering is not being afraid of the many gaps and silences.

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6 responses to “Silences and Gaps

  1. It hurts to read your words. Your story is so raw, so intense, and so sincere. I hope you have people understanding and supporting you now, and I hope you have healing from that and from this blog.

    I believe you. And when I see a lot of the porn around, I get a reflection of what it’s like, treating a woman like an object. And this kind of sexual abuse needs to stop.

    Trafficking – of all kinds! – need to be stopped. Into sex, agriculture, factories. But stopping trafficking and abuse is different from stopping voluntary work under safe conditions. And it exists too.

    I wish people from the different sides started hearing each other. Right now, they don’t. I am an escort by choice who has never experienced abuse and who always was treated as person. But I hear you and believe you and believe that what you have described exists, and I have some contacts with organizations that fight trafficking in my city. But I also there is an absolutely different reality as well. And it also exists.

    And I wish we could find a way to work together, eliminate one of those realities – and keep the other because they really are very different and involve very different people. I wish we could get at the same page and work together…

    But even if we can’t, I really hope you find peace and healing. And I am sorry if my post ends up upsetting you, I just came across this blog and read some entries, and I had to respond…

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  2. It must be so hard knowing the truth is there but not being able to get at it, and even when you do get to it you know that it will hurt you. It is such a brave thing you are doing.

    I wish that all the abusers and rapists who hurt you were all lying dead right now. The world would be a better place without them in it. What Thais doesn’t realise or is refusing to acknowledge is that the johns who hurt and raped you are the same johns who use the “happy hookers” too. Why pretend they are a different group when they aren’t? In fact her post exactly illustrates your argument.

    Thais why on earth do you think Rmott would be interested in working with you to support the sex industry? What a callous insensitive thing for you to suggest.

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  3. I agree delphyne, I wish they were all dead too.

    I believe you, Rebecca. It scares me so much that so many men hate women so, so much that they would use and abuse so many women like you, in so many horrific and terrifying ways. I hope one day that your voice will be heard and women will take a stand and say, ‘Not for sale’. Until then men will continue to rape and slaughter women in prostitution. And so many women will have to suffer the effects of their violence.

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  4. Thanks everyone, this was hard to write because it very hard to know that so much of my memory has been stolen from me.

    Thais – Thanks so much for writing with so much respect.
    Yes, it is hard to read my writing, but I would not write if I thought what happened to me was rare. I write because I believe that the sex trade is built on the suffering of the majority of women and girls that are in it.
    I do not think I need “healing” from the blog, rather the blog is part of my healing, and more important to me a weapon against the sex trade.
    I think we must imagine a world without the buying and selling of women and girls for men to have orgasms.
    Of course, I know that a minority of women are ok with being prostituted. But many could still have similar sexual encounters without being inside a trade that exploits the majority of the women and girls that work in it.
    In the end I fight for the majority, which is why I believe in abolition.
    I cannot stand any more rapes, murders, sexual torture, lies to get women and girls involve. I cannot stand any more the invisibility of the regular extreme violence that goes on in the sex trade on a daily basis.

    Delphyne – It very hard reaching for my own reality. For me it feel like there ghosts in my body that are demamnding to be known. Finding that my words are believed is deeply moving to me.

    Allecto – Thanks so much. God, I am so tired of waiting for the day when the sex trade just seems to be a nightmare, that no-one can imagine why that was such a great idea.

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  5. Rebecca, I happen to know how the mind works overtime to protect women and girls from facing the reality of mindless, mundane (in that it is so common as to be non-newsworthy) male sexual violence against women and girls. It is hard, very hard attempting to get through the layers of denial. Much of this denial comes not from women and girls who have survived men’s violence but from bystanders who refuse to believe male sexual violence against women and children happens.

    There will always be women working in prostitution who continue to deny routine and mundane male sexual violence against prostituted women occurs. The reason as always is because they say it has never happened to them. Well, I do not have any relatives/friends who have suffered a loved one being murdered but this does not mean murder does not occur. (At least I don’t think so but given male violence is so common that might not be the case).

    It is not about individual women who choose to enter prostitution but rather it is about the fact men as a group believe it is their right to commit rape and sexual torture against women who men believe are dehumanised creatures.

    Until such time as women are recognised and accepted as equal to men with the same privileges and rights men have, there can be no ‘free choice in women working in prostitution.’

    As you rightly say, Rebecca prostitution is built and protected by men for men and women are dehumanised creatures whose right not to be raped and sexually tortured by men for men’s sexual pleasure supposedly cannot be challenged. That is why so many men and a good few women too refuse to believe prostituted women’s experiences and instead claim ‘it was just one woman’s experience’ or ‘you are suffering from delusions.’ Would that were true – but truth is far harder to face and even more so when women and girls are saying many men are rapists, child rapists and hold women either in contempt or simply hate them.

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  6. Rebecca, these are some truly amazing posts. I feel like I just learned so much from this one, about denial and dissociation. You are really courageous, and I am constantly admiring you for speaking the truth- no matter what anyone else says.

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