I am very proud of my last post, but I am very terrified of what I have done.
It has had a huge impact on my PTSD and body memories.
Yesterday it hitted so hard, worse than it been for several years.
It begun with a chocking fit, which no sipping of water could stop. Only being a little sick could help for a short while.
It made me angry, coz I was at friend’s birthday meal, and PTSD was getting in the way of relaxing.
Then I got depressed that I could just be happy. When I get depressed, I cover by acting like I don’t care and can be very sarcastic.
Then I hate myself for being crap company, and get rather needy – which makes hate myself more.
I did recover by dancing to my Northern soul records which entertain my friends.
But when I went to bed, PTSD and body memories crash into me.
I was raped over and over.
Not real – but all too real.
The pain was everywhere. I could not breathe. I could on my back. I was sick if I laid on side.
I was scare in the dark, if I turn the light the pain would not fade.
I sat up and felt sick or just sobbed.
I screamed into pillows. Saying no, wanting to give up.
I feel sick still.
This shows the power of my last post.