Hello is Anyone Out There

This something I write with deep shame.

But has what I written this week push my readers away. If not, please could I have some support.

I am going through a very hard time since I heard about my stepmum’s illness.

I need to know that my recent anger has scared you lot away.

I need support because my grief for my Dad is so raw. I miss him so much.

I miss him on Sunday afternoon when we chatted on the phone. I miss him when I see paintings he loved. I miss him as be-bop comes on the radio.

I miss as reviews of novel are in the papers. I miss him when I watch football or cricket. I miss when Cornwall is mentioned.

He was my Dad. He was my best friend. He one of the few men in my life.

My emotions are so raw.

I have an anger that is drowning me.

Anger that I feel I am only listen if I fit the preconceived idea of the exited prostituted woman.

Anger that I cannot make the serious changes I want – and it may not happened in my lifetime.

Anger that every label I try to wear, does something to let the fight against the sex trade.

Anger as I wonder if in the end it is only prostituted women and girls who will allow in that their lives are complicated.

Anger that most still see prostituted women and girls as non-humans.

Grief brings my anger to a rawness that makes lose support. Lose support when I need it the most.

Otherwise I will fall into the isolation that was the majority of my life.

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13 responses to “Hello is Anyone Out There

  1. Hi,
    I for one am still here and reading. I don’t comment very often but I really appreciate each and every post that you post. I will make an effort to comment more often so that you know that you have support from at least one of your readers. I’m sorry you are going through a hard time. Take care.
    Sincerely,
    Maia

    Like

  2. We are out here listening, feeling, crying.

    We all have (or will have) our mourns.

    Thank you for expressing yours so eloquently. They help educate and help us heal.(if only through collective mourning)

    Like

  3. Thanks both for your kind thoughts, it is needed so much.

    Maia, I really appreciate that you read me, do not feel any pressure to comment, for I do know you have a very busy life.

    Sithybrilig – thanks so much, I am deeply moved by your comment.
    And I love Lewis Carroll.

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  4. Hi Rebecca, I’m sorry you’re going through such tough times right now, and that I haven’t commented before. I think you are amazing and brave, not to mention a very good writer. Thinking of you.

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  5. Hello Rebecca,

    I still visit your blog daily. I would comment more often, but I think always writing “yes I agree” could get tedious. I’m also sorry you’re going through some rough patches, and hope that things settle down smoothly for you.

    take good care, and I always look forward to your posts!

    Like

  6. I read and often don’t comment because often I feel like I can’t find anything useful to say or anything that isn’t trite.

    I’m pretty sure you aren’t pushing readers away, Rebecca. What you write is very powerful and moving and maybe people are just silently taking it in (I am anyway). You can’t see the quiet listeners on the internet though.

    I am sorry you are finding it hard and I’m sorry you are missing your Dad.

    Like

  7. Thanks again everyone.

    Citywood – It is a great honour to have you as a reader. Thanks for saying I a good writer, coz I try very hard to craft my words.

    ThedaBara – Thanks fr your support. I think for me 2009 has made a lots of things have crashing into me. So, I suppose getting angry and/or depressed is a natural reaction.

    Delphyne – Your support is deeply appreciated. I think because I have a lifetime of blocking out emotions and ignoring pain – it has taken me this long to feel and know the reality of Dad’s death. I was very close to him, partly because he was my only parent I could trust, but also because we built a relationship as adults and became best friends.
    I know his death has made me feel too needy, which is something that does comes easily to me, coz I have always had to tough life out. So if I become needy, I react with anger, which can quite self-destructive. I really hope I have hurt others with my anger.
    With my sensible head I know that I have many silent readers, for my words are so powerful.

    Like

  8. I’m here, Rebecca. Even when I don’t comment, I hear you.

    I’m so sorry times are being rough for you and I understand your anger at the sex (slavery) industry. You won’t lose support from me.

    *Hugs*

    Like

  9. Just to let you know, I am subscribed to your feed and reading all your posts, and so are many of the women from the AWOL session you came to.
    We were really grateful that you came that evening and shared your experiences with us, and we really appreciate that you continue to do so on your blog.
    I hope we’ll see you again when you feel up to it, and if there’s anything I or AWOL can do to support you, let us know.
    Emma

    Like

  10. Rebecca,

    I’m here too. sometimes I can’t read your blog because it just hits too close to home. But I’m here, I’m listening. Your anger and emotions don’t scare me. Sometimes your truth-telling does scare me!! Because I have my own denial to deal with.

    But I’m here, I’m reading. I’m glad you are here and are writing.

    Like

  11. Hi Rebecca,
    I’ve just seen this – I call by once in a while, often when you remind that you’ve written something.
    Your truth is hard to share, but I appreciate your honesty, and the fact that you write it… what so many would hide.

    Like

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