Things are a Little Better

Yesterday, I made myself better by watching sports all day.

Yes, I know it was sunny, but being with my TV is what I needed.

I let my mind switch down.

The pain did not go. The grief did not go. The anger did not go.

But I let myself not care about others.

I let myself be a wreck. I let myself mourn and mourn.

My Dad is gone.

He may be  in my body. I may dream of him. I remember so much that is good and bad about him.

But he is dead – he is not at the end of the phone, he will not walk into the room again, I will tell bad jokes with him again.

My Dad is gone.

I mourn and I mourn.

I cannot ever get rid of the poison that men put into my body.

When some idiot said that women who had sex with and decided later they were lesbians – that they were “contaminated” – I die inside.

I was contaminated, poisoned and polluted by penises beyond what my mind can count.

That sickness is in my body all the time, but I hope it does not show.

I have slept with women, always with the fear that they find me out as a non-lesbian, a traitor.

That is why although I may well be a lesbian, I am still terrified to own that label.

Coz men have conquered me in the past, I still feel I have betrayed women.

That is a grief I have no idea what to do with.

So I mourn and mourn.

This is a short piece coz I am exhausted, and want to watch more sports.

Tonight I going some women stand-up comedians, I hope I can regain my laughter.

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One response to “Things are a Little Better

  1. Hey there 🙂

    I think it is so important to let yourself shut down, space out, watch tv, whatever. Sometimes our bodies and minds just need a BREAK. You have been going through so much lately, all this death. It’s great to allow yourself to just switch off.

    About the contamination thing- that is just such BS. It hurt a lot of women. You are not contaminated, you are a beautiful innocent human who deserves love and respect and kindness.

    I hope you had fun at the comedy show!!

    Like

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