Now I am Sick

Once again the floodgates of my past has opened.

This time it making so sick. This time grief is grabbing my throat. This time I close to despair.

I am sick of always being so strong.

Strong because I have never had the luxury of being weak.

I had to be strong as I was abused as a child.

I taught myself to not to cry. I taught myself to ignore my natural reaction to pain.

I was so strong, when all I wanted was to die.

I was strong as I saw hard-core porn.

Strong as I choose blindness rather knowing the images.  Strong as I shut the part of my mind that told me I could one of the images.

I was so strong, when all I wanted was to die.

I was strong as I was date-raped.

Strong enough to close my body. Strong enough not overdosed or drink myself to death.

Christ, I was so strong, when all I wanted to do was to die.

And, hell, I was very strong as I was prostituted.

Strong enough to be sexually tortured for many hours. Strong enough to pretend I did see the camera filming my degradation. Strong enough to tell myself none of mattered.

Yes, I was strong, coz I knew I would die.

But I didn’t die.

I stay alive, when so many good women and girls did die.

I didn’t die however many times I try to kill myself.

I didn’t die even when men were careless of my life – as they strangled me, as stopped me from breathing by fucking every hole in my body, as I was anally raped till I had a heart attack.

I never die – I just was put into the hell of  living with all those memories.

That is the bottom line – that is the terrible harms of porn and prostitution.

I have the sickness of all the rapes, all the hate, all the inability to now there was an exit, the coping by drinking, not sleeping, by imaging it was all I worth, all the tortures, all the only value is to be a fuck-object, all the obeying to stay safe, all the learning to accept the unacceptable to stay alive.

Now I am bloody sick.

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4 responses to “Now I am Sick

  1. It’s supposed to be a compliment to be told you are strong, but it’s really more often a way for people to avoid thinking about what was done to you and how harmed you were by it. Or worse than that, it’s a way for them to dismiss what was done to you,”Oh, it must not have been that bad because she survived it.” Of course if we break under the weight of what was done to us, people will say we are mentally ill and probably made everything up. If we talk about it too much, we will be accused of being eternal “victims.” If we don’t talk about it much,we’re back to being “so strong,” strong enough to suffer anything a man has done to us, we should be proud.

    When the truth is, we were tortured. We were brutalized. That was wrong. And for our own survival, we have to talk about it and get good at making sure people can’t shut us out. When we do that though, it can be dangerous. Then again, we know what danger is. I’ve narrowly escaped death so many times I don’t worry about it anymore. I figure I won’t go before my time.

    Respect,

    Heart

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  2. Thanks so much Delphyne and Womensspace.

    Womensspace – I am so moved by your comment, once again you reach into my essence and allow me to feel the grief and pain. Thanks so much, for seeing how damned hard it is – but I am so sorry that you know because of your own personal hell.

    You are so right about many people saying “you are strong”, as a great way to not know the harms that are embedded in survivor’s minds and bodies.
    It must be ignored, the tortures, the degradations and the terrible braining-washing – to know that would mean something must be done to change the conditions that allow such horrors. Best ignore it and then it might go away.

    I have so damaged by the “if it was so bad, how come you are alive then”.
    Christ, how many times do I have to say I have no answer for that. It was not for the lack of wanting to die. It was not for the lack of men wanting to kill me. It was not that I was in a safe world- no I existed in a world where other girls and women “disappeared”.
    But I did not die, that is just a fact.
    Maybe I lived so I can speak out and be part of a real change.

    I refuse to be victim, coz even when I living in hell, my essence resisted.

    Of course, it is simple to say survivors are mentally ill, and discredit every word they say. That is so neat, but a complete cop out.
    It just makes the violence of the sex trade become invisible.

    Nothing will stop me speaking out, coz my essence cannot rest knowing millions of girls and women are still in hell.

    Like

  3. I understand your pain… Im working as an escort now, and was so suprised at how easy it was for me to dissociate myself from what I was doing, and am doing. But like you I was abused as a child, and even my relationships have had a level of control/domination to them. I know that in order for me to stop the cycle I have to stop escorting, and go to the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable- A real, loving relationship. I thought that I had dealt with my childhood abuse, but it scars a deep part of you, and makes you seek validation and love at a huge cost to yourself. Keep remembering that you are a good person, and the pain that you went through can help another girl who is going through the same right now.

    Like

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