Since I have been remembering being inside prostitution and porn, I have been very ill.
I decided it must be swine flu, coz I cannot bear that it is trauma. I cannot bear that my body remembers so viciously.
Yes, I am coughing one hell of a lot.
But then it is not coughing – it is chocking, it is being unable to swallow. It is not being to lay in bed without not being able to breathe.
It is not flu.
It having memories of penises, fists and objects shove down my throat. It being raped and sexually tortured so I forget that I can breathe.
I cannot swallow or breathe deeply coz it hits my grief. I go weak, I feel sick and I sweat.
I am bloody grieving.
I am grieving that porn and prostitution stole everything that is precious to me .
Stole my ability to be a teenager. Stole my chance to have a innocent sex life with angst and natural confusion.
Stole my ability to defend myself from pain, giving me torture instead. Stole my right to be safe and secure.
Stole my chance to trust and get friends.
Fucking hell, I was left to survive not to live.
Now, as I know what I had to be then, I so damned sick.
My stomach carries my past as sickness. I try to puke it out, but nothing happens. Only I sit in the bathroom wanting to cry, thinking I will faint.
But nothing much happens.
I go to the toilet, wanting to get rid of the pain in my chest and stomach. Some goes, but always my past follows me relentlessly.
I want to scream, but hardly any noise comes comes. Only when I masturbate in a rage – then my stomach yells out until a little of the pain disappears.
Porn and prostitution has damaged me to my core.
This does not means I am not going forward, that I cannot succeed in most of my life.
But it is a constant ghost that I have to adapt to.
Sometimes my past is just a shadow in the room, a brief remainder of where I came from. It does not disturb my present life.
But then there are times like now – where it is poltergeist.
It wants to damage me as much as it can, it does want me to have a present life.
It sends poison into my body and mind, making me unable to move without pain and horrific memories.
Say it is flu, say it is menopause, say it is grieving for Dad.
Just don’t say it is the reality of being inside porn and prostitution.
I cannot bear that.