When I wrote my last post, I thought I would leave out the times I have tried to push away.
The times when I thought I had boyfriends, only to be reminded I was nothing but a sex object.
The times I wanted to friends with men only to have my trust smashed.
Now, I rarely am alone with men, and then usually only relations I know I can trust.
I know it not just that I abused as a child. I know it is not just my hell that was the sex trade.
It is men choosing to treat me like a piece of shit – and then making out that I consented. Knowing I was in no position but to think they must be right.
My experiences may be extreme, but they are not unusual.
I wanted love so much.
I wanted love that I put myself into danger.
I wanted love I ignore my head trying to protect me.
Any bastard would do, as long as he lied at the beginning that he cared for me.
I needed to think I mattered to them, that I was not worthless.
When I was in the middle of prostitution, I needed love so much. Love where I could imagine I was seen. Love where sex was unimportant.
I wanted to be dated. I wanted to taken out for picnics. I wanted to sit on a sofa watching a video.
I wanted respect.
What I got was men lying.
Men wearing me down until I give out sex.
Men saying they would respect me, they would do what I did wanted – only as they fucked me, that promise was forgot.
Men being lovely to me until they had fucked me, then I never saw them again.
Men suddenly saying they had heard rumours I loved rough sex, can they have a go.
All those men never paid me anything, maybe I let them buy me drinks or a meal.
But in their mind they were not like those horrid johns, even if I was a whore to them.
They fuck me like a porn-doll as the johns did. I saw little difference.
Only that the majority of johns don’t give a damn about my “consent”. Whilst “boyfriends” needed to know that I consented, coz then they can never be a rapist.
And they had the added bonus of fucking up my head, and planting a vicious dose of poison in me where I think it must of been my fault.
Well, I hate each and every one of those “boyfriends”, for they are cowards and sadistic bastards.
That is why “consent” is a swearword to me.