Some Things Won’t Go Away

When I wrote my last post, I thought I would leave out the times I have tried to push away.

The times when I thought I had boyfriends, only to be reminded I was nothing but a sex object.

The times I wanted to friends with men only to have my trust smashed.

Now, I rarely am alone with men, and then usually only relations I know I can trust.

I know it not just that I abused as a child. I know it is not just my hell that was the sex trade.

It is men choosing to treat me like a piece of shit – and then making out that I consented. Knowing I was in no position but to think they must be right.

My experiences may be extreme, but they are not unusual.

I wanted love so much.

I wanted love that I put myself into danger.

I wanted love I ignore my head trying to protect me.

Any bastard would do, as long as he lied at the beginning that he cared for me.

I needed to think I mattered to them, that I was not worthless.

When I was in the middle of prostitution, I needed love so much. Love where I could imagine I was seen. Love where sex was unimportant.

I wanted to be dated. I wanted to taken out for picnics. I wanted to sit on a sofa watching a video.

I wanted respect.

What I got was men lying.

Men wearing me down until I give out sex.

Men saying they would respect me, they would do what I did wanted – only as they fucked me, that promise was forgot.

Men being lovely to me until they had fucked me, then I never saw them again.

Men suddenly saying they had heard rumours I loved rough sex, can they have a go.

All those men never paid me anything, maybe I let them buy me drinks or a meal.

But in their mind they were not like those horrid johns, even if I was a whore to them.

They fuck me like a porn-doll as the johns did. I saw little difference.

Only that the majority of johns don’t give a damn about my “consent”. Whilst “boyfriends” needed to know that I consented, coz then they can never be a rapist.

And they had the added bonus of fucking up my head, and planting a vicious dose of poison in me where I think it must of been my fault.

Well, I hate each and every one of those “boyfriends”, for they are cowards and sadistic bastards.

That is why “consent” is a swearword to me.

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2 responses to “Some Things Won’t Go Away

  1. I have to admit, it IS hard to read another’s pain… to read in plain words exactly what happened to you. I turned my head away TWICE in just the first sentence, at the words “sex object.”

    I adore that you write in a way that makes it plain what happened to you, and what happens to other women and girls daily, hourly, by the minute. I appreciate that you detail bit by bit exactly what happened to you, at the hands of deceiving men because it makes ppl like me FACE the funk of it all.

    Like

  2. I have read all of your posts and I thank you for being honest and telling people your experiences. But this one post I can really relate to. While I could never imagine the pain and terror of what you have endured in the name of prostitution and at the hands of “johns”, I have to say that it seems like a lot of men, not all men but a lot, treat women that they have sex with like whores, whether they are paying or not. They think of all women as whores and sluts,etc. And their ONLY goal with girls is just to score. To score and then drop them, to see how “far” they can get, to use them for an ego boost for their depraved egos, and to screw women over. I have different theories on this. Here are links to my blog and site about human trafficking:

    blogs.myspace.com/retrogrrl84

    datingscoreandreport.blogspot.com

    Like

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