This week I have pushed close to my personal brink.
I have been close to wanting to die, close to scrapping this blog, close to falling back into self-harm.
I have been on the receiving end of others’ hate and ignorance of what it is to be prostituted. I will not repeat what they said and wrote, for they are not worth it.
Anyhow they are just repeating the constant themes that prostituted women and girls are to blame for whatever violence happens to them. Again they repeat language that makes male violence invisible.
What was hard this week was the personal lies they said or wrote about why I was to blame for what happened to me.
I try to laugh it off, I try talking it to friends, I try ignoring it.
But the hurt is so deep. The hurt that drives me into self-harm.
So I have to concentrate on breathing. Concentrate on my own conscience.
I need to know that I am being attacked for speaking a truth that others want to destroy.
I am being attacked for having the courage to say knowing it open me to hate and mental warfare.
In a way, these attacks show what I write and say is undeniable – for otherwise the other side would be more reasonable in challenging me.
I will not be shut up.
Yes, you do hurt me deeply – but that hurt fuels my inner warrior to speak her truth louder and with clarity.