Falling Through the Gaps

Dedicated to women who read this, and had drag themselves back into their essence.

Everything that I write on this blog, is about surviving after many years of multiple mental and physical violence mainly from men. I write of surviving when I was invisible. I write of surviving despite the desire to die.

I write as someone who had to find their own way out. There was little, or let’s be brutally honest no help.

For I, like so many women who survive the sex trade, fall through the gaps.

These gaps are there because we have built a society that stereotype what it is to be prostituted, what it is to be a stripper, what it is to be in porn. It put into a box – any woman who break the mold cannot exist.

There is too much place on whether women take drugs or not.

Drugs become an answer, not just a small part of what makes that woman.

It is easy to assume that women becomes prostituted or strippers to feed a drug habit. That is neat and simple.

It is harder to know that drugs came after she was in the sex trade. That drugs are not an addiction, but a way to deaden the pain and terror of being in the sex trade.

That she may have been forced to be on drugs by pimps/managers to make her more pliable for sexual violence in porn or prostitution.

And that a great many women in the sex trade do not take illegal drugs – but those women are made invisible.

I was abused as a child, but I have never thought or believed there was a simple connection between incest and being prostituted.

Not when so many women in the sex trade were not abused as children, and have the violence done to them dismissed.

There is a connection between childhood abuse and entering the sex trade, but it highly complex and often surrounded by many factors.

I know, that part of my abuse as a child was being shown hard-core porn, being left alone in Soho at night, hearing talk of the fun of prostitution, being shown to accept that sex had to be with violence. I was taught from a young age, that I had no personal boundaries.

I was taught I was toy for any man to fuck.

Yes, that is childhood abuse. But it felt like belonging at the time.

I want the complexity to heard and seen.

Do not just say “Incest is the boot camp of prostitution”, without listening to the words of exited women first.

Hear women who not abuse as children, who may of had happiness in their childhood.

Hear their pain, hear their anger, and hear their utter confusion.

They were highly damaged by the sex trade and god that does count.

Often prostitution appears to count when it is connected to poverty.

I was never poor – I was desperate, I was full of extreme self-hate, I was looking for something I would never find – but I never did for the money.

Christ, I got so little money for what I had to do. I often threw away the money in self-disgust.

Even today, memory of that money makes me want to die.

I want the women who did not need the money to count.

See the way they are treated. Know that it is sexual torture whether the money matters or not.

Don’t throw in their faces, you don’t count, you are not worthy of our assistance.

Or say as was said to –

Hell, you could have brought your way out of it. It can’t have been that bad, you stayed didn’t you.

Yes, I stayed.

I stayed as a battered wife stays, as cattle wander into the slaughterhouse, as kidnap victim get used to their surroundings – I stayed.

I know no other world.

I stayed, thinking all the world would hate me if they knew what dirt I was.

I stayed, knowing that as dirt I deserved any and every sexual torture I was on the receiving end of.

I stayed, because I had become a robot.

I stayed, coz exiting was terrifying.

I and millions of women stay in the sex trade for too long, and then we are blamed for not fighting to get out.

We are blamed when we exit, for not being mentally ill enough. That is how can be so bad, if we are articulate or able to build a stable life for ourselves.

We are blamed if the damage is so great, that is hard to function in our new lives. Then we are weak or mental.

We are blamed if we choose to speak out against the sex trade, we are seen as traitors or liars.

We are blamed if we choose to make our past invisible – are we ashamed of ourselves or just have we become a prude.

For the majority of women that exit the sex trade, it is a constant battle trying to fit in with our new lives.

We live with the pain, fear and confusion of our past. It does affects our day-to-day existence.

It gives us body memories, with real pain and exhaustion, but little or nothing wrong in the physical sense.

It does affect our sex lives. It hard to be natural about sex, when for most of your life it has been artificial.

Everyday, there are triggers usually dismissing our pain and experiences.

No wonder most women who have exited choose to make themselves invisible.

But those women are deep in my heart.

They are the inspiration for every word of my blog

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