I want to say that this blog is not therapy for me, I do it to push for change and the dream of the abolition of the sex trade.
That is political, not just an individual’s personal journey.
This is not therapy, when all it does is increase my pain.
It brings forth body memories that make me sick.
It lands me back in the middle of what it was to be gang-raped. It rips apart my throat as I know deep-throating. My anus screams in agony as every anal rape is re-entering me.
Hell, I am dizzy, I cannot eat, my sleep is broken up.
This is the worse therapy I have ever done.
But I write through this agony, coz I cannot end my speaking.
Not when I know women and girls are being gang-raped in the name of the sex trade. Gang-rape to train them for the life. Gang-rape as a punishment for something they can’t remember doing. Gang-rape coz it will make bloody good porn.
Not when I know deep-throating is everywhere in the sex trade. That is some sick joke in porn to deep-throat till the woman is sick, loses consciousness or her throat bleed. That johns do deep-throating every day and every night in every country in the world, and no-one bother to stop even when it may life-threatening to the prostitute.
Not when anal is know as the ultimate whore sex. When johns know anal sex is allowed to be as violent as he wishes, coz she is nothing but dirt. When porn celebrate extreme anal sex knowing the huge damage it does to women both physically and mentally.
That is why this blog is political, not some inner journey.
I speak out because the sex trade did not destroy me utterly.
This was not from lack of trying.
I was left unconscious. I was made to bleed anally for several day. I was made paralysed.
I was made to self-harm without knowing the pain. I was made to drink to deaden everything. I stop eating.
But somehow, some force made me live.
And more I live and had the strength to remember.
I speak because the majority of women who have exited have been too traumatised to say what they had to live.
That is the true horror of the sex trade that even after exiting, even when you built a life that is nothing to do with that world – the trauma grips your mind and heart every day and every night.
Yes, you close it down, you get some happy times – but the sex trade is a poison that refuses to go away.
I will write and speak out about the sex trade as long as women who have exited have this trauma, I write to show that trauma and not have it hidden away so others can pretend the sex trade is harm free.
That is not therapy, that is pure politics.
I write because the sex trade did not kill me.
I write because the sex trade is killing women and girls all the time everywhere.
My voice will not shut up – even through my personal agony is huge.