I know that my blog has been very angry recently.
But my anger is healing something, can’t say I am completely sure what, only that today I feel a deep calmness coming over me. Although I know I still in a great deal of trauma, I can feel how my inner strength kept me going forward.
This year has been awful, what with deaths in the good part of my family, what with pro-prostitution lobby attacking me, what with triggers of child abuse, what with my mother telling I am a liar and or a slut, what with my body remembering every torture that johns did to me. Yes, this year has been bloody awful.
I would say that is an understatement.
But, I have kept going forward.
I have had despair that my blog was writing into a void, that my blog was just selfish, that my blog may just be written out of madness.
But I never stopped writing it. Instead I wrote from deeper into my pain, my juggled up memories, my grief, my fury.
The more I wrote, the less I could compromise.
I could not say that the johns had somehow accidentally hurt me. Especially as my mind and body show me how “accidentally” hurt me over and over and over and over – often only stopping when I was almost dead or when they got bored.
No, I named that torture.
I could not pass it off as my sluttish behaviour, even when I thought I went looking for violent sex, even when I see myself so drunk I cannot care what happen any more, even as I hear over and over and over and over – only whores do such things.
No, I see my self- hate, I know how I was brainwashed by porn, by constant raping, by thinking pain did not matter – I was brainwashed to say I was to blame.
No, now I say loud and clear not one of the johns had to rape me, had to sadistically torture me, had to beat me up, had to pretend to be nice only to be one more rapist – each john made that choice to put me into the dirt.
No, not one manager was forced to sell me knowing how sadistic their customers were.
I say with a warrior’s scream – I never lost my inner strength, no matter how damned hard they try to destroy it.
It keep me from letting their violence into my mind, not till I had turn my life around and come stare dead straight into their hate and my degradation.
I had the strength to lead a double life then.
Outside of male violence, I was another and truer person.
I went to the cinema and absorb it. I keep up with Arsenal. I was able to spend time with my grandparents. I was happy in Cornwall and London.
This was never enough to stop the violence, but it give me the knowledge that life was worth living.
I praise that I never give in – yes I was nearly killed, yes I attempted suicide several times, yes I could of die by just giving up – but my inner strength refuse to let me die.
I praise that I never truly believe I completely deserved what was happening to me – I always had a gut reaction that it was rape, just knew there no-one to tell.
I praise I follow football, was obsessed with films, read every night, keep going for walks, still saw relatives I loved, manage to volunteer for Women’s Aid – all that kept me with some sanity.
I praise I somehow came away with a relatively whole body and mind.
God, I am amaze that I could have such strength.
But then, without that inner strength this blog would never exist, coz I would not exist.