I am in a very bad place, I know I will be alright – but terror is grabbing my throat, my heart, sickening my stomach – but I will be alright.
It a “crash” from being strong, crash is an understatement.
I would say I have only calm down slightly when imaging hurting myself, remembering how I use to try to kill myself.
Let state here, I have no intentions to self-harm. I just nowhere to place my pain and anger.
I have stare into the reality of my own terror, I stood in front 300 people and stated small parts of it. I have been in control, I have manipulated the whole audience.
But now, I am full of terror.
It is that I spoke the tip of the iceberg. Now I am drowning in the rest.
Now my mind and body knows that I spoke truth that it was torture. I know in my sickness, I know in my self-hatred, I know as relaxing disappears.
My PTSD is a slow death – but hell I determined to live.