After writing since giving the speech in London, I have not given myself space for the utter grief I feel. I have written politically on the impact of the hurt that liberal, leftist or “feminist” language and concepts does to me.
But I have been running from the utter pain those ideas put in me.
I run so hard, that I have ended up smashing down in nightmares of my past I cannot turn off. I have hit a wall of tears and sorrow that lifts for moments, then crashes back in again.
So I have no choice but to confront that grief, confront what give my mind and body such agony.
I have no choice for I deserve rest, I deserve time just for football, just for black and white movies, times for damned good music, time to molly cuddle my cat, time to laugh with my friends, time for Belgian chocolates and wine.
Christ I deserve that, they are the less I deserve after the shit I have lived through.
To have some rest, I need to know what the shadows of prostitution really are.
PROSTITUTION IS LIVING IN A RAPE MACHINE
The nightmare of surviving prostitution is it is so hard to remember with any clarity.
It just the violence and degradation is so often, with so little hope of any end – that the only survival is not know what is happening.
I do not know how many men raped me.
This hurts to the core of my being.
I know I have raped in prostitution off and on for round about 13 years. I know I may not of been raped for weeks, or may raped in one night by up 30 men, I may have been raped in 5 minutes, or I may have been raped over 6 hours.
I know all these are true, all these were my reality as a prostitute. And the reality of the vast majority of prostituted women and girls.
But ask how many men raped, and my mind explodes into grief.
Lets say it will in the hundreds, let’s leave it there.
If you need numbers, you are choosing to say it not really rape with prostituted women and girls.
For, don’t you with “good” women and girls, go on about how one rape is one rape too many.
But prostituted women and girls lived inside industrial rape, and are not believed because they do remember every single man who raped them, do not remember each and every detail of each sexual torture they lived through.
Would except a survivor of a concentration camp to know in detail every moment of every day they were there, or would you think days would merge into months, and memory would get shattered.
Prostitution is living inside torture and no exit – of memory will be smashed in that environment.
I was raped in bedrooms, I was raped behind pubs, I was raped in front groups of men, I raped as I was being filmed, I was raped in subways, I was in graveyards.
That is prostitution.
It is not glamorous, not about having dignity, it just men controlling women and girls until they get bored.
To imagine women and girls have a choice in what men do to them in prostitution, is a lovely dream – but it so far away from reality.
Did I choose being gang-raped, did I choose that I was choked as I was anally raped, did I choose double-penetration, did I choose to have head smashed into walls, did I choose to be rape so often in so many ways that my mind can only cope with knowing the tip of the iceberg.
How dare you be so privileged as to imagine that I chose all that.
The vast majority of prostituted women and girls live inside a machine where men can and will do any sexual violence on them.
For we have built a society that makes that is ok – for obviously to be a prostitute must be a free choice, and therefore she must accept whatever happens to her as just her job.
How can an individual prostitute know it sexual violence, when she is told over and over that just the risk of her work. That she will get used to it, she will hardened up.
She cannot imagine that it violence, when she cannot imagine that anyone give a damned.
She is just there for men to fuck, so how she possibly imagine that it is wrong.
That is the trap of prostitution.
So when you casually ask for “facts”, know our memories have been destroyed, our sense of self-respect is fragile.
Asking for facts is ridiculous, when so many prostituted women and girls have been brainwashed by the sex trade to speak of the joys of prostitution.
Don’t ask for facts, bloody use your own common sense.
If you think that a prostitute has been raped, then name it as rape. If you know a prostitute is beaten up, then say that is violence.
Don’t say it was their choose, unless you say it was you doing similar, and would not consider that you have been sexually tortured or raped.
Stop seeing prostituted women and girls as sub-humans who do not feel pain like you, cannot be degraded as you would be in their situation, is not raped when the same act would raping you, and you should know if it was you, you would survive by killing everything that make you an individual.
Being a prostitute is being forced to live as part of a rape machine, and being an individual is highly dangerous, for it can kill you.
Stop making prostitution pretty – no time for that whilst women and girls on a mass scale are being sexually tortured and all too often murdered to make a huge profit for the rape machine that is named prostitution.