I really hate to ask this, but I feel like I am holding by a thread.
Please hold me in your thoughts and prayers. I do not care what your belief system is – but if it about caring for those who losing hope, strength or reason to know what the point is – then I need your heart to open for and with me.
I am finding my PTSD is going on for longer than normal, it is getting on for a month now.
I had ten nights of broken sleep – with night terrors.
When I say night terrors that is a light way of saying it. I am reliving the hard-core porn that I had to and was forced into my body.
In these terrors, my anus is screaming, is at the point of suicide, is begging for help. My anus is weeping, saying why does no-one care.
My anus knows and remembers the hate. There no care, no accident, no wanting to please when those johns raped my anus.
My terror is deep inside my throat, leaving to drown, to choke, to force out bile.
My throat cannot breathe when it has known penises, fists, objects forced down it.
I will breathe deeply it hurts too much, I swallow and want to cry, my throat is wanting to be cut out.
I am so sick with the reality of what men do just a piece of leisure.
They raped me, and it was nothing.
They smashed me into walls, and it was nothing.
They called me whore, slut, bitch, sex-crazed, mad, pervert, nympho – and so many more words, and it was nothing.
They copy porn into my body, and it was nothing.
They brought to the edge of death, and it was nothing.
But now inside PTSD, it is no longer nothing.
Now it my silent scream, my sickness.
It my push to prevent this ever happening to more generations of women and girls.
That is why I need your thoughts and prayers.
My terror need to come out – so I need your holding for the courage to face it.