I have low for a long time, and this has affected my blog a lot.
Thanks all my loyal readers for your patience with me – with my grief, with my anger, with my confusion and with my pain.
I have felt you holding me.
I have felt you as I been able to cry.
Cry with the grief of the lost of my Dad. One of the few men I could trust, that I could allow myself to love. The gap without Dad is a pain that increases as the months pass.
Cry as I know, feel and come to terms with that for me prostitution was nothing but torture.
Prostitution broke me in so many parts of my essence.
It broke that I could believe in hope. This is slowing coming into my life, but hope is not natural to me.
It broke that I was inside my body. I look in mirrors I feel no connection, only a mild interest.
It broke that I can give out sex with love. I can both but not together. Sex is a performance, rarely an act of love.
It broke my memory. I live with gaps of years that I may never know. I remember continual torture – but not my age, few places and never who the men were.
It broke my body as it lives with pain as the only real memory. Pain in the anus, pain in the stomach, pain in my left side, pain my mouth and throat, and continual headache. Pain is my norm, but it all the past.
Now I am crying for all of me that was broken, was stolen from me.
With your holding I can cry.
Thank you so much.