I am living the consequences of abuse in my skin, in my mind and polluting my soul.
I live it, as the men that made the choice to rape, beat, mentally abuse and bring me to the edge of death walk free, live as if nothing ever happened.
I know that by seeing my stepdad, I know that as I remember the arrogance of the managers who sold me, I know that as every john that had left without thinking he done anything much, I know that as friends who rape say I just like rough sex.
What was nothing to them, follows me in nightmares, follows me in body memories, follows as I am triggered by things that appear safe.
Sometimes I imagines that my abusers get nightmares, that they have a shadow following them wrecking their day-to-day. But I know that is not true, for you need a conscience to feel guilt, to know you have done.
Sure, some of them said sorry. Sorry is an easy word to say – sorry means nothing if you don’t take the consequences.
Sorry means completely stopping your action.
Never rape a child again.
Never go again to prostitutes.
Never think you just wear down your girlfriend, wife, best friend, acquaintance into having sex.
Accept that the vast majority of rough sex could be rape.
Don’t think reading porn is harmless.
Don’t justify yourself by saying prostitutes are happy and doing it out of free choice.
Don’t blind yourself to the point that when you choose to buy into prostitution, you are paying for an industry built on torture and degradation.
If you choose to buy prostitutes, rape children or treat your partner as a sex object – then don’t go around claiming you care about human rights or even call yourself a feminist man.
All this was typical justifications of the men that destroy my life. Many of whom consider themselves heroes of the Left, men who fought for Palestine, fought racism, worship Cuba, hated America with a passion – but without blinking an eye created women as sub-humans.
And is it a surprise that so many exited prostituted women became anarchists.
These men spoke and campaign against torture when it occurs to other men. While they poured torture into my body.
Prostituted women in every country in the world live with torture that is every page of Amnesty International’s campaigning materials – but their pain and lack of hope is never seen as a cause.
Men have invented the language to make the torturing of prostituted women and girls become invisible.
It is the language of choice, the language of female empowerment, the language of the quick buck. Men invented that language, use it to their full advantage – and then claimed it was the words of prostituted women.
Don’t be fooled, it is the language of the sex trade, the language that give johns permissions for any violence and no consequences.
I know this language from my stepdad, but when it is child abuse, when it is incest – I know I can get anyone to see that is wrong, that my stepdad was just justifying his crimes, that he is a liar.
He can say I throw myself at him, he can say over and over that I provoke him, he can say he was always gentle, he can say he never raped me – he can speak and speak.
But his words mean nothing, when it seen the power imbalance, that I was a child. But then incest is easy to get others pity.
But prostitution is always justified, men get away with everything when it named prostitution.
The same child that was raped by a family member may become a prostitute, and suddenly she not viewed as a child.
No, she is an adult who has freely chosen this lifestyle. She is an adult with a high sex drive, and of enjoyed the type of sex that makes men hot.
Make her a prostitute, and you have living porn. And that is named female empowerment.
Named it her choice, then if there is violence it her fault – she should have known being a prostitute had consequences.
As I said at the beginning of this post, I am living the consequences on the daily basis.
Those of you who choose that prostitution can be harm-free if the women were more careful. Don’t be an idiot.
The control is always with the man who choose to buy the prostituted woman or girl.
Any violence done to her is his choice. No prostitute, however much she thinks she has full control or has always been relatively safe – can stop a john who has decided he will use violence.
Hate from those johns goes on all levels of prostitution – in my personal experience indoors prostitution in hotels or flats where I was on the receiving end of the worse violence, coz it was named a private space so help was a million miles away.
At that time, I was in escorting, which now advertises itself as the “safe” form of prostitution. It can never be safe to put in a room alone with strangers, who by paying for you think that they owned you, feel it that their entitlement to do as they want.
That is nearer to slavery – than the glamour the sex trade portrays it as.
I write in the hope my writing will stop women being fooled that prostitution is a good option.
Unless you only do for a very short time with men that you already trust – prostitution is never safe.
And the trauma of having male hate and their desire to degrade you, is a consequence that is there for life.
Prostitution will poison your future.
But on the good side, it has made me a fighter.