Again I have reading psalms, and this hit like a train. It spoke to my grief, my craving for justice – to my silent screaming.
How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
But I have trusted n thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
This is a psalm that reach into my heart in some of the darkest time of my life.
Somehow, in my years of prostitution, it silently spoke to me, giving a small inkling of hope.
And in that hope, I got a fierce will to live when dying seemed the more positive choice.
I slowly realise that I had something deep inside me – that no john, not my mum, not my stepdad, no manager, no hate, no degradation and no amount of torture – a place they could never reach.
This was a place I had name for, still I prefer it remains nameless. A place where I was safe, a place where my anger could be heard, a place where I had respect, a place that I could feel and give love, a place that was private for me.
I don’t know what I believe, only I know it was a strength and I discover I had an essence – I discover I was not dead. I was not forgotten.
I had not been abandoned.
This psalm spoke to my sense that justice was so far away.
I had no justice as my stepdad finger me till I bled.
I had no justice as he shown me hard-core porn.
I had no justice as he made me in his sex toy.
I had no justice as I became a prostitute.
I had no justice for all those gang-rapes.
I had no justice for anal rapes.
I had no justice for extreme blow-jobs choking and nearly killing me.
I had no justice as I was moved round the sex trade.
I had no justice for date rapes.
I had no justice for the women and girls I known that disappeared.
I was terrified that my enemies had “exalted over me”. As my mind and body was being destroyed, I felt their smug triumph.
But I reach into the depths of my soul, I know I was stronger than they could ever imagine. In my silence, I had a firm resistance.
This did not stop the violence, but it give a glimpse that I had a future.
I love this psalm because it speak to that silent rebellion.