I think that today my Mum is 70, well to be honest I stopped remembering her birthday long ago.
This is because it is not safe to get that close to my Mum, I cannot be vulnerable near her. I cannot be a daughter to her, not when I know who I became when I lived with her.
My Mum placed her welfare and lifestyle above all else.
Part of that was placing my stepdad as the centre of her universe – he became perfect.
In that view, she saw that he sexually abused her daughter – only it became re-framed.
It was never abuse, it was her slut of a daughter forcing herself on him when he was weak.
It cannot be rape for he never penetrates with his penis. Sure he uses his fingers, he uses his mouth – but he will never make a show by getting her daughter pregnant.
My Mum emotionally abused in many ways.
She could not talk or look at me for weeks on end.
She would say she could read my thoughts, and I thought anything bad about her and my stepdad, she would know, even if we in separate places. For instance, when I was in Cornwall, and she was in Norfolk, I would my mind go blank in terror she would know I hated them.
She told I had brain disease that meant I could not feel pain. Meant I was born liar, for I did not know truth from lies.
My Mum place me in the line of danger.
She ignore it as I became a runaway, just saying it never happened.
Only she did lock me out of her house at night, she did not lay a place for me at meal times.
I felt invisible in my own home. I imagined I was a ghost.
My Mum saw and ignored injuries on my body.
I had red marks round my throat, I had bruises, I found walking hard. I had constant headaches.
I was just weak, always attention seeking.
Well, that was pointless for I got no attention from her.
Oh, I did get pregnant – it was a pimp, not my stepdad – so she was relieved it was nothing to do with her, would not put bumpers into her perfect lifestyle.
I was pregnant coz I was a whore – that’s all.
This is so hard to write, I know I being bitter.
But, she put poison into me.
How the hell can I get rid of that.