At Last, Some Peace

I feel different today, I feel I breathing clearer.

For several months now, my trauma has been in every inch in my body.

I have sick really since January – today I feel relatively normal.

Let me say, it is just one day, so I cannot say I am ok until several weeks has gone by. But for now, I will say how I think I survive this time.

I think I survive by never running away.

I did not fall into alcohol. Using alcohol as an excuse to cut myself, an excuse to attack those I care.

I did not get myself back to the world of the drunk.

I did not go out looking for trouble.

I could have gone to hated places that men would fuck for nothing – but I would not go without some exchange.

I could have walked the street back to a deadness where nothing mattered, nothing but my hate of myself.

I stop myself from going there.

I am learning to save my own life.

I save it by looking directly at my past, not with judgment, but finding some compassion, not with self-hate, but discovery empathy for my prostituted self, not from deadness, but allowing in the terror.

I look directly at how close I was to destruction, how I manipulated, raped, smashed up, made into porn, told I was nothing but a piece of shit.

I have no idea how I survive – all I know I did.

Now all I can do is praise my inner strength and whatever spirit kept me alive.

Now, I am learning to prayer, to feel humble at how near I was to death – and how now I reach into life with hope and full of love.

I survive my severe bout of PTSD, for I know my friends and allies believe in me.

I not a nobody to them – whatever the sex trade try to make a nothing, a thing to fuck to almost dead, a liar if I speak, nothing but a stupid whore.

I am not that to so many women – for some I am a leader, a truth-teller, a strong woman with courage.

I am not what the sex trade wanted me to be.

That gives me peace.

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2 responses to “At Last, Some Peace

  1. You are probably the strongest woman I know Rebecca. I hope you get some happiness in your future because you deserve it.

    Like

  2. hey Rebecca-thank you for this.
    I wanted to suggest something, not to be that annoying suggestion person but because I have ptsd too and it’s been helping me. (Someone opened a SODA the other day and I flinched, it made me realize I was having a “bout” as you so aptly put it). I’ve been lately dancing in my room with my headphones. It doesn’t take the ptsd away but it makes this really cool energy run through my body and kind of light it up. You know how with the ptsd it feels like your insides are ripped open and your nerves are exposed on the oustide? it kind of smooths it over for a little while. I guess it’s just endorphins but it feels different-soothing.

    anyway, you definitely are strong. thank you for writing about your ptsd and the way it comes and goes. much love.

    Like

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