This post is written from the place of utter agony of body memories and trauma.
I will attempt to write of my weekend speaking twice at the anarchist-feminist weekend, and also supporting the showing of My Dangerous Loverboy at a film festival.
I must put my trauma in a context.
On Wednesday, I will going away for a week to go the double memorial service for my Dad and stepmum. This is terrifying, but I also long to be with the good part of my family.
I need to be where we can grieve and get life back in our bodies.
At the moment, I am blocked by the pain, grief and terror of knowing prostitution and all it brutality.
I want to grieve my Dad and stepmum as individuals, without all the other shit getting in the way.
For those of still stick to that prostitution is harm-free, then be in my body now, knowing this pain, grief and terror was long ago, and I live with this hell now.
Imagine being scared to grieve people you loved deeply, coz it brings back anal bleeding, make you sick just by breathing, keeps you shaking with terror.
All the poison that johns put into you comes back.
The first talk I give at the a-f weekend, was round choice being connected to prostitution. I will say, my trauma was terrible when I spoke, so for me it was very negative – though I was told I was very good, that I change many minds.
But some words were very hurtful, well damaging.
One of the first question, was on how all work was slavery, prostitution may on the worse end.
For me prostitution is not “work”, it is more akin to slavery.
But when I hear it is as bad as working in Asda, I too hurt and angry to speak.
Sure, Asda is very boring, long hours and bad pay. Sure, many working in Asda have little chance of getting another job.
But, do those employ in Asda get raped on and industrial scale, are they expected to be murdered, do they take STDs and battering as the risk of their job.
Do those employ in Asda leave and live with trauma as a shadow.
Then the detached and nice academic question – is there an unbiased place to find out about prostitution.
Do anarchists think you can be unbiased about racism, factory farming, the treatment of asylum seekers, capitalism. Hell no.
But, I always forget prostitution is just some kind tidy academic debate, which if it made clean and tidy, and the choice of the women – we can relax and go back to more important issues.
Exited prostituted are untidy for they spill out pain, can’t help saying it not sex but torture, and can so full of directed rage.
I spoke from that place – and I know it help some women there find a voice for their silence round prostitution.
On Saturday evening, I went to the showing of “My Dangerous Loverboy”, a wonderful short film on internal sex trafficking.
It was good to back with people who could handle that prostitution is highly damaging.
Also, we saw “Whip It”, nice escapism film, just what I needed. And watching women doing contact sport is just fun.
But, because there was an accident on the train line, my journey home of an hour, took four.
And I got back to facebook, being told off for being melodramatic for stating that much of prostitution was paying for rape. And that I may of not had a good time, but I was hounding those who had chosen prostitution.
So, my mood was great.
On Sunday afternoon, I spoke at the a-f weekend about the emotional impact of internal sex trafficking.
I spoke at the end so I had little time, which meant I let loose, for my trauma wanted the truth spoken.
I spoke from the deeply personal to show the brutal manipulation and torture that the sex trade uses to get young girls trapped.
I spoke of gang rape, how forced love entices, of being made into a porn-toy, of having no concept there they worthy of being help, of living as the living dead.
I said that any girl who has no real love in her life can be brainwashed by the sex trade, no matter her class, culture or background.
I spoke with clearness from a lifetime of pain, grief and rage.
My voice give another woman the courage to speak of a trafficked woman she had known, who could live with her pain, and committed suicide, or in reality was murdered by the sex trade.
After, I felt I had help anarchist women feel that could express louder their concerns about the sex trade – see it as a human rights issues.
Many spoke how I give them hope to be more courageous and not believe the libertarian crap.
But I am left in agony and sickness.