Too Much Pressure

I am under a lot of pressure at the moment, and this post is some indications of how others can stop throwing logs in my way.

I am in the middle of grief for my Dad, which is stronger than last year.

Going to Cornwall, and placing his and my stepmum’s ashes into the ground, made it real.

I feel empty, angry, so sad and I miss them so damned much.

I am feeling real emotions, not emotions as I try to imagine to fit in with others. I do not understand emotions, all I know is to allow myself to go with the flow however terrifying.

I do not need others telling how I should be feeling, speaking of their own grief without giving me space to say mine, not to say it was a long time ago get over it.

Give me space and time, and I know I will be fine.

But put pressure on me, and my trauma is triggered.

Is it that the whore is too hard to feel grief, so that’s why others think I should carry on carrying on.

Let me say here in black and white, my PTSD is on a very fragile edge at the moment.

Today, I am relatively ok for I have finally slept, but it only because today I have avoided everything that is damaging stuff for me.

I am avoiding people who have “discover” that prostitution is highly damaging, and want me as their token whore who will speak out.

I am avoiding those who tell me what they think prostitution is, never listening or hearing what I experienced and how listen to other women who have exited.

Rather I am told all prostitutes have pimps. I am told how pimps are wearing bling and are followed by his girls. I am told that incest is linked to prostitution, that all prostitutes were abused as children.

I am told just coz I had a bad time, doesn’t mean I have to constantly attacked those women who are happy. That the violence, trafficking, degradation and under-aged abuse are really rare.

I am told hell it was very sad what happened to me, but it was a long time age, just get over it.

I am told that if it really was as bad as I claimed, I should be dead or mentally ill. I am told I must be writing fiction, for people would not do such terrible things.

I am told I am arrogant, I am told I am too angry, I am told am a fantasist, I am told that I lie because I feel guilty that I enjoy it really.

Well, I say think bloody hard before you write or speak what you think you know what prostitution is, or who you think I am.

Just be quiet and still,  leave space and time to listen and really hear the multiple voices of exited prostituted women.

They might be messy, over-emotional, or scared to let out any emotions.

They may full of rage, a rage not just from the individual prostitution, but from centuries of whores being ignored and having put their words over them.

Listen and hear these whores – and find many of reasons that some men really hate women and girls.

Listen and hear the planning, the extreme violence and the throwing away of a whole class of women and girls.

Stop speaking over whores – shut up and really hear.

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