A Fever Breaking

This week, and for some time now, I have had a fever.

This is a prose-poem for what it could be.

BREAKING THE BACK OF MY FEVER

I’m so hot

I’m melting, floating into fear.

Back to the places

I wanted to leave behind

Leave to some bottomless grave I refused to look into.

Only, it is there

There as I run in the other direction

There as I turn music so loud I won’t know it

There as I surrounded by people I love.

My past is there

Not as something solid

Not to be dealt with

Not as anything new.

My fever is my grief

My fever is saying the pain was real

My fever is a gift.

Gift saying

I did matter

I was never nothing.

I fight that, fight that I could be something.

Maybe now I am something

Only how, how

Could I be something then

Something that mattered

How could that have been true.

When every hole was filled

With hate, with times there is no real words for.

How could that be true

When I was so used to being dirt

I could not care less

As I was filmed, I was paraded in parties, as I fucked by the bins, I was brutalised in flats

I forgot

That I could care.

How could I have been something

When I thought I had lost my heart

I could not care as

I noticed girls going missing, as I saw others getting violent punters and it was not me, as I laugh with men speaking of cutting me up

I had the smile, I had the words saying how fucking great they were

The best, sure I remember you, you’re special.

How could I have been something

When I hated myself so much.

Now

Fever breaks

Sending in love, compassion and affection

For who I had to be then.

I thought I was nothing

But, by christ I was full of life

Determine to resist, determine to remember.

I was never nothing

Just blocking out pain

Not letting in too much hate

Stopping tears for that just turn the bastards on or made them hurt me worse

Not being sick for I had time for that.

I was not nothing

Only for pure survival

I made myself empty.

Fever now

Is my tears, my sickness, my terror, my forgiveness, my knowing there is hope, my determination to force a change.

Fever breaks

And

A real smile

May arrive.

Advertisements

One response to “A Fever Breaking

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s