I have not been able to write for my trauma is too overwhelming.
Now, I going to write through my river of grief, that feeds my trauma all the time. I will write with it, not against it. I will not write to make sense – but to stay on the surface of my pain and terror – but maybe do safe drowning.
When you have endured prostitution, especially when it frequently threatened your life and was nearly always done to cause you extreme pain – you will only survive by cutting dead all feelings.
This was the world I belong to – a world where grief did not exist, where loss was forgotten, where connection was not made for it would only be broken.
That world is buried deep in me, however much I break away, does not matter I left those places and people in my dust – I have the ghosts of my past rotting inside my body.
I have them in every body memories that stop me writing, stops remembering to know there is hope and joy.
I feel body memories, and know I have no idea why I am alive.
This last week or so, I have had intense pain in my anus. I know it is “just” memory, for it fades briefly during the World Cup or I sleep. It get intense as I write or try to speak my truth.
It is the memory of so many anal rapes, that I survive by not knowing the pain, not knowing my utter terror – and refusing to know how many I had small heart attacks. I know I was resuscitated at less twice – but I lost consciousness on a regular basis.
The mind only remembers enough to say this is true – you were tortured, you were bloody lucky not to die, you were made into human garbage.
The mind is heroic in protecting you from not remembering it all. It protects from the cold and calculated hate that makes johns do anal rape to the point of death. It protects from seeing yourself in such a degrading situation – it protects but it cannot stops what happened.
My body knows things the mind cannot handle.
I live inside a body and mind that often do not know each other. I am terrified to introduced them to each other.
I was so safe being detached – not safe from hate, not safe from torture, not safe from numbed self-injuring, never safe from rape, never safe from mental abuse, never safe from being made into goods from being brought and sold.
No, I thought I was so safe for I could not care what happened to me. Not able to care – I made something it was not.
I made myself into what I thought a slut was – I chose to fuck and be violently by men I never knew, I chose to out at all hours of the night, I chose to drink close to death.
I had no idea what a slut was – but by god, I was on the road to hell to find out.
I was a child, I was 14 to 17, I been abused since I was 6 – I knew nothing but hate, pain and fear, so I was just doing what I thought I knew.
I ease some of my pain by forcing myself to imagine I had chosen the hell I was.
It was one way to cope – when I could find no exit, no friendly faces, no hope.
I kept a small degree of sanity by putting all the blame on myself – I could not see beyond my narrow enclosed world.
I was drowning – but bastards from the sex trade were keeping me alive just to throw me back into hell.
Whenever I hear a prostitute say she is fine, she is in control, it was her choice – I see myself and now my guts are cramped with tears.
My tears are scared these days – whilst all the media “debates” whether prostitution would be better if it was indoors.
I suppose when you not done indoors prostitution, it is very easy to believe that their safety and concern for the welfare of the prostitutes that have to endure that life.
After all, the sex trade controls how the media portrays indoors prostitution as clean, ordered, safe, nothing too illegal going on. A private space for men to have harmful sexual fantasies.
That is the image anyhow.
Reality is usually it hell for the prostituted women and girls – and because it kept behind closed doors, anything and everything is ok as long as it makes a profit.
It does not matter whether it legal or not – most indoors prostitution turns a blind eye to trafficking whether internal or international, there is masses of under-aged prostitution that is behind closed doors, there is extreme sexual torture and murder in all aspects of indoors prostitution, most hard-porn uses “actresses” who are or have been prostituted.
Indoors prostitution is built on supplying johns with the time and space to do any porn scenario he can imagine – he is given the privacy to destroy her, so he can be the complete master over the whore.
There is little safety in a “business” that allows men to treat prostitutes as just a sexual experiment.
What is the point of condoms – when the real terror is the sexual sadism. In my experience, you don’t argue about condoms with a sexual sadist. And penetration was the less of my problems.
What’s the point of alarm – when you be raped or beaten viciously in less than 30 seconds. Many sexual sadists know how hurt bad in a very brief time.
Often the alarm s not turned on – just there as a con to fool the prostitute that she is safe.
How the hell can you be safe, when the business you are in is to made into goods that “enjoy” being tortured. It is your job – don’t fucking complain.
That is the rawness of indoors prostitution.
If you prove to me that one single woman or girl is raped in indoors prostitution – not one single prostituted woman or girl is not forced to do “extras” that is to sexually tortured in indoors prostitution – then maybe I may look again at indoors prostitution.
But, I cannot live knowing that the safety of prostitutes is being ignored as the debate claims prostitution should put behind closed doors.
My tears and frustration cannot take it any more.
Please fight to decriminalise those women and girls who forced to be prostituted, but also fight tons harder for real exiting projects.
Fight to make all buying and selling of prostituted women and girls illegal – not just trafficking or under-aged prostitutes – but all aspects of prostitution.
Give men very heavy fines for buying a prostitute – give a real prison sentence is those who keep re-offending.
Managers who supply “sexual services” should be imprisoned.
These men are all criminals – raping, battering, mentally torturing. Supplying women and girls to be raped and sexually tortured. They are just all common criminals.
Stop making continual excuses for them.
Give prostitutes back their pride and dignity – by stating we want to build a society where it completely unacceptable to buy and sell women and girls for the male sexual kicks.
Get a backbone – for while you debate, yet more prostituted women and girls are being destroyed.